The War that is Depression

I’m going to admit it. I’m bad again. I’m really bad again. But it’s different this time.

This time, I’m not sad all the time. I don’t hate myself because I feel unloved. I don’t hate everything. I don’t want to die because my life sucks.

This time, I have no energy. This time, all I want to do is sleep. This time, I’m frustrated with myself because I never seem to get anything done. This time, my house is a mess, I don’t shower when I should, I don’t spend time with my kids and groom and care for them like I should. This time, all I do is sit in my chair, play on my phone, and tell myself that I’m failing because I don’t do anything productive.

I try, dammit I try! I try to get up when my alarm goes off. I try to clean. I try to make dinner. I try to do laundry. I try to bathe my kids and take a shower and sleep at a decent hour. I try to get my shit in order, make my kids breakfast, MOVE MY BODY. But I just can’t seem to find the energy. I’m exhausted. I’m in pain. I’m frustrated. I’m moody and I’m angry and I’m sad and I’m elated. But I have no energy. I have no “get up and go.” I want a clean house. But I can’t just get up and do it.

I make a dent in the pile of shit and clutter that is my house and I turn around and blink and it’s a mess again. I get discouraged. I get upset with myself. I get in this “well, it doesn’t matter what I do, it’ll look like this again in an hour,” so I don’t do anything at all.

Then I sit and look at all the messes and I get mad with myself all over again because I just want it to be clean. I just want to do stuff. I just want my boyfriend to come home to a clean house and dinner cooked. Bathe my kids every night and tuck them in at a decent hour instead of early because I can’t handle them being loud and busy anymore.

I’m tired of feeling like this and I don’t know how to stop.