My kids saved my life

My life has been rough since literally the moment I was born. I was an emergency c-section I had my umbilical cord wrapped around me for a while to the point that I was born blue, I always got told that I was born for a reason since it was a miracle. Then when I was a toddler my mom abandoned me, she couldn’t handle being a mom so she moved away, eventually started her own family. My dad and aunt raised me, then my dad passed away. I ended up having to live with my mom and the family she had build. I was always treated differently and left out, I got molested and raped from when I was 10-13.. I never really had anyone there for me to love me or care for me.. I had a son at an early age, raised him on my own and left to be on my own when I was 16, quit school and worked (under the table) Two years later I found a man who I thought was amazing, fast forward 4 years we have a 7 month old daughter and he turned into an alcoholic, cheater, drug user, selfish person.. He always put me down mentally, verbally, physically.. his mom knows and she always defends him, she believes a woman should always bow down to a man, so I have no friends nor family. I feel unloved, like I can’t do anything right and my life has no meaning. Right now he embarrassed me in front of everyone and tried to get me kicked out, we have other problems aside from those going on, a lot more problems, and I just broke down crying wanting to kill myself thinking this is it I don’t want to live anymore I hate my life, is there a blade anywhere? Then I see my daughter and she’s looking at me, she smiles and she crawls to me.. then I realize like what am I doing? What am I thinking? I’ve gone through so much in my life and always pulled through and now I have two kids who look up to me and a daughter who needs her mother, just like I needed mine and never had her and if at some point my kids ever feels like life is too heavy on their shoulders I need to be there to lift that weight off of them.

Where I live if you talk about depression or suicidal thoughts they immediately treat you like you’re crazy and it really sucks to not have anyone to talk about this to because these things are real and a lot of people go through this and pull through with it. To anyone going through something similar- nothing is permanent, not the good things nor the bad things.