Its 4:30 am and i cant sleep.. so heres whats bothering me.
You don't have to care or even read this.. I don't really care. But I feel like sometimes we all just need to spill what's eating away at us and keeping us up at night whether it be to a close friend or a relative or a group of complete strangers that you shared it anonymously to.
So I guess what's got me so trouble tonight is the fact that I don't exactly know what I'm doing.. and I know that's all right but I mean I feel like my emotions are all over the place. I haven't really talked about it with anyone and I feel like that's my fault. But everything that's been on my mind lately scares me and I don't know how to talk about it.
I guess first is the fact that I'm having a kid. I'm excited at all but.. I don't really want this for my life not yet anyways. I want it happened I'd imagined I'd be what's the father.. and that does play a huge role into it and how it felt lately. I know I can do this on my own and what's the help and support of my family but it doesn't make it easier. I always imagined if I was going to have a kid that I'd be married first and I'd have a good job and I'd have money for it. I never imagined I'd be broke with no car I'm stressing about how I'm going to get to work. I have a lot of emotions that I don't know how to quite feel and most nights I honestly cry. I miss my ex even though I shouldn't because well.. neither of us were really that honest with each other and we never actually sat down and got to know each other. We never really went on dates it any time we tried to talk about how one another felt turned into an argument. I hate the fact that I never knew he was doing so many drugs. It kills me I feel like I should have noticed. It hurts me to know that a person that I really love would actually do that to me.. to know that I pretty much stopped everything and gave my old only to be treated so poorly and still want him. He can tell me that he's going to change all he wants but I don't really believe it. You can tell me that he's never going to touch another drug but I can't believe it. He can tell me all he wants that he's going to be a better dad.. but again I just don't believe it. And that really hurts because I love him. But that. Makes me think back to the whole "I don't really know him" thing.. I know the drugged-up person who he was entire relationship. I know the mean person that he was when he didn't have drugs. I know I'm better off without him.. and I've got to make the hard decision of whether I'm going to let him be in my child's life or not. I deserve better my child deserves better. I know that but if I had the chance to be with him again and start over I can't say that I wouldn't do it. Crying is as comes out because it's just raw emotions and raw thoughts. So I guess my next worry other than that is what's going to happen to my living situation? My grandparents keep threatening to kick us out by the 31st of January if my mom can't buy the house. My mom keeps saying that it'll be fine and that she'll by the house but I know that she probably won't be able to. So that means we'll have to find an apartment somewhere but it's going to be really really rough. I haven't really talked about that either. I don't want to accept that it might actually be my reality.. my whole life I was worried and stressed about money. What I was younger I didn't fully understand it but I understood that my mom didn't have enough money to really make things work. I'm afraid that's what my life will be even though I know I can do better. I feel like my anxiety is out of control and I'm just letting it take over.. I've not really acknowledged it lately and I feel like it's hurting me more than I know. A few people have asked me if I've been to therapy lately. I always say no I think therapy is useless because it's never helped me in the past.. but maybe it was just because I wasn't willing to try. Maybe it was just I was so afraid to open up to somebody who could actually possibly help me. I stopped coping. I just how to shut down from feelings got too much to handle. I feel like it's something of kind of always done just shut down things get hard.. I know I can't do that with a kid on the way and once I have my kid. He will need me to support him and I'm so afraid that I won't be able to. I'm afraid that I won't be able to have everything that I need for him by the time he comes because I've got so many other things that I have to do first. I actually feel a little better now that some of the stuff is out there. Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm not struggling internally and I think that's one of the most damaging things that I could do to myself.