I went into preterm labor at 30 weeks 5 days on October 23rd (due date was 12/27). I didn’t know I was in labor and just thought I had back pain (so did my husband).

By the time I got to a local hospital I was fully dilated and had to deliver- I couldn’t be transferred to a hospital with a NICU until after I gave birth.

I gave birth and my daughter was perfect- they talked to me about pumping and what a couple weeks in the NICU would be like and that “we were out of the woods and she would be fine.” Somehow while putting in her intubation tube they punctured her lung and they didn’t recognize it in time so she died before she could get to the NICU.

I walked out of the hospital that night in shock without a baby. The next day we were at a funeral home and cemetery picking out a plot.

This was several months ago but I still feel the depth of the loss. My family and husband want me to be back to normal but I think they are finally starting to understand that I’m going to be different. My sister got my mom, her and me a spa day yesterday and while I’m getting a massage I couldn’t stop crying. Not sobbing but tears just kept streaming down my face. I can’t be around crying children too long and loud noises scare me so much.

I wish I could control this better, I’m in therapy and working on it- but I just can’t help but see her face all the time.