Dear ex- best friends, we used to be so close. We were supposed to go off to college together, we had plans with each other.

We used to be able to laugh and dance and sing together. I thought you guys would be in my wedding one day and would be the aunts and uncle my baby will never have. You guys were my life, and i never realized it until you left me. Two weeks ago i was put in an unfair situation and was forced to apologize to your faces, without a say in it. I was forced to apologize even though i already have, and you spit in my face the first time.

You told me two weeks ago that we could be friends again and make a day to talk and fix things, and you never messaged me. You gave me false hope even though i know you guys aren’t good for me.

To J: you were the sweetest girl I’ve ever met, had the biggest heart and the prettiest smile ever. Then you left without a goodbye or a reason as to why you were leaving.

To M: i thought you were the coolest and most confident guy I’ve met in my life. I was the first person you came out to, because we were that close. You made me feel like i belonged, and you made me feel like I had a brother. Then, you left after the smallest fight we could have possibly gotten into and told me it was best if we never saw eachother again. Two weeks ago you brought your group to “see me” at Giana’s family Christmas party and simply laughed at me sitting alone in the corner, pregnant and alone- with the most anxiety I’ve had in my life. You showed me how happy you were without me.

To E: we stopped being friends a year and a half ago, after you left the group. As soon as J and M left me, they brought you back into the friend group. You were brought back a DAY after i was kicked out of the friend group. And now i see you in my place and i wonder every day why we all just couldn’t be together, and why it had to be me or you.

To Giana: on Christmas you invited me over, acting like we are still best friends/sisters. You’ve been hanging out with all of them without me, and i would never make you choose sides. But what you did to me on Christmas, and continue to do to me is dirty. You advocate for me to apologize more, and to make plans with them- but aren’t telling me the full truth about how they feel about me. On New Years, you asked them if i was “allowed” to come over to your familys party. If you truly wanted me there, you wouldn’t have to ask them.

To the group as a whole: i still think about you guys everyday.

I still wait for that text to say you want to be friends again or hang out. I apologized for being myself, and that’s nothing i should have to apologize for. I might be selfish when i say this but i deserve an apology myself, for being left friendless without a reason.

I deserve an actual answer on whether you wanna be friends again than a half hearted “let’s talk”.

I don’t deserve to have to see you guys have fun without me- without an explanation as to why.

I’m in the worst position I’ve ever been in, in my life and i needed you guys the most. And I’m an idiot for still holding out hope😔