I will try and keep this short! I have a
3 year old son. Me and his father seperated 8 months ago due to him cheating for 8 years i discovered. He was my ride or die. This nearly killed me. I attempted and am so thankful i am still here for my beautiful son. Co parenting is going okay as of now it is pretty well we are kind to each other. I still love him i know we will never be together again as i will not tolerate being cheated on, here is my problem though.
When i was 11 my parents divorced. This rocked my world. My mom became very depressed and was hospitalized for self harm and depression. I developed awful awful anxiety shortly after.
When i was 12 i met a guy he was 2 years older and he date raped me. I needed attention so bad. After him i went in chatrooms and talked to older men (whom I now realize were\are pedofiles) after that i basically had sex with or hooked up with anyone who would give me attention. This has led to all sorts of horrible things. I have only really been in abusive relationships wether be physical or emotional. Right now after my ex and everything I have stayed single. But i always have a guy I'm having sex with but also for emotional support i feel i need a companion to soothe my anxiety. I want to be able to be alone but idk how i really don't. I'm talking to this amazing guy who has been there for me for 6 months to talk every day he genuinely cares and all that. I am NOT ready for a relationship but he is. He is willing to wait. I'm scared that it wont ever work because i have never been alone as i always rely on a guy for affection\attention\love. I don't have many friends. I have a few but i can't burden them every day with my bullshit. I guess i know i can repay guys so it's easier for me to rely on them for that. I love my son more than anything EVER. The thought of ever introducing him to a guy disgusts me tbh. I don't want him ever involved. He is off limits. He has a dad already. Idk I'm just struggling. I am taking medicine and seeing a therapist but nothing feels like enough. I have come a long way in 8 months but i still can't go through a whole day not having someone to talk to and to listen and just that whole companion feeling. I hate myself still. I want to be an independent mom who doesn't need a guy to wipe her tears and tell her everything is going to be okay, it's all i know though!!! Please be kind to me I'm seriously doing the very best I can i really truly am trying so very hard to do everything right.