Need advice

I’ve been married for 5 years now. My husband has cheated on me multiple times at this point, with the latest I know of being last year with his ex-wife’s best friend. Everyone knew about it but me of course. He was taking his youngest daughter home to her mom and seeing his girlfriend at the same time. I filed for divorce and wanted to leave. He said he would kill him self. I have anxiety and every time he’s said anything about suicide of course it’s super difficult for me to deal with.

Fast forward to summer time last year, I had an emotional (NOTHING PHYSICAL) affair myself. I felt alone and stuck all at the same time. I know it was wrong and I came clean to him. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he says no, he’ll just kill him self. I suggest we go to counseling. He absolutely refuses to go. I go myself. For a while. Counselor tells me she thinks my husband may have borderline personality disorder. 🤷🏻‍♀️ he gets mad that I’m seeing her and demands I stop. So I do.

I have cried. I have begged. I have done everything I can think of to try and make things better between us in any way. We don’t have a physical relationship anymore, which I miss SO MUCH, but now we don’t really have an emotional connection either. He blames it on my emotional affair, saying I ruined our marriage. I’m very resentful and feel that his physical and emotional cheating multiple times has been swept under the rug because of the mistake I made.

Here I sit, married, and feeling completely alone. Any time I mention leaving, he turns to suicide. I don’t know where to turn anymore. I’m so unhappy. I feel so trapped and scared. I DO care for him and it’s why I stay. I don’t ever want him to hurt himself. I just don’t see our marriage getting better. I’m 28 years old. I can’t live my life like this forever. What do I do?!

And yes I know what I did was absolutely terrible and cheating is NEVER right. I despise the fact that I ever stooped to that level and will NEVER do that again.

EDIT TO ADD: I have gone so far as to file a protection order. He threatened suicide. I called the police and had them check on him. That happened a few times. He convinced them he is fine and I’m “crazy”. Ex wife finds out about protection order and used it to take him back to court for less visitation with his kid. Now that’s “all my fault” as well. We live in a home that used to belong to my grandparents and means so much to me. I don’t know if I should move out just to get away or what.