Thank you to whoever reads all of this. This is my story.

Two years ago I thought I was alone. Two years ago I found out I am not the only one pulling my hair out. Two years ago I found out the name to a 13 year old disorder that will probably be by my side for the rest of my life. Trichotillomania. A small green ribbon with blue trim is my awareness.

I remember the first time I was aware of pulling my hair out. I was 6. My grandma Laura told my mom she found a bunch of blond hair in the corner when she was vacuuming. I overheard them and I knew it was me, they just didn’t know it. And in my shame and fear I shut my mouth and never told anyone. A 6 year old being ashamed of what she doesn’t understand Is the reason I’m sharing my story and my disorder with whoever will listen. My mother who did my hair for my second grade picture day noticed bald patches. And as any mother would she took me to the doctor. And the doctor told my mom I just pulled my hair out. I was fine.

Of course this is my 6 year old version of the story so it might be different from what my mom remembers.

I’ve shaved my head so many times I can’t remember the first time doing it. But I remember I felt great. I loved the new start and a fresh head. Of course that didn’t last long. The feeling of safety from a shaved head turned to a sign of failure and guilt. It got to the point of just thinking of shaving gave me anxiety. And shaving doesn’t stop me from pulling it hair helps allow my hair to grow but there’s a cost to it: my eyelashes. Right now I have no eyelashes and I’m bald. there are small spots on my head that will never grow back. After 13 years of ripping the same hair out from the root I’d expect it to be traumatized but I’m still hurt and very disappointed in myself that it’s gotten to that point.

Hats and makeup covered the damage I’ve done to myself. But I like putting myself out on the internet With no makeup or hats or wigs or filters. I’m vulnerable. My self esteems and self image has been crushed and lifted by many. I’ve been called ugly, crazy, stupid, overweight, beautiful, brave, worthless. I’ve been asked if I was a boy or if I had a contagious disease. Ive had thousands of one on one conversations. I spared no detail. I poured the truth and my heart out to them. I shared every statistic I’ve learned in the 2 years of research.

Like how 4% of the world has been recorded to have trichotillomania, 1% in the US. That’s approximately 2.5 million Americans. Lots of people are either in denial or don’t know what they have so the count is considered low. For every 10 female pullers there is just one male puller. Females tend to outnumber the men.

The worst thing you could ask me is “Why do you pull?” Because truthfully I have absolutely no idea. It’s explained to be a coping mechanism or a safety blanket.

I’m a woman with an uncontrollable and incurable genetic disorder. The disorder does not define me.

My new wig