I’m 16, I’ve been dropped by my friends. My friends are a rambunctious group, they get into a lot of petty fights. They expect me to be able to fight for them, since I fight for “blm and feminism so hard, and I debate really well. It’s hard for me to explain but I don’t like to fight in a non controlled situation, I stuff up, I can’t respond well. With class debates I study, im prepared. Social issues I know. I hate being put in that position, I freeze up and it makes me feel dizzy. I have to deal with abusive family members who constantly degrade me, I can’t express it but it gives me the same feeling I go numb, it feels like literal pressure on my head. I’ve slit my wrists before, not for attention, but if it makes sense I feel like I need scars to show the mental ones I have. I feel alone I can’t talk to anyone about this, I can’t so this anymore. While I was with them they told me I had one purpose to be funny, that I shouldn’t show the other sides of me. I told them I was depressed, that I have anxiety and they still put me in those situations. It feels like life is moving without me, I want to never have existed, or go to sleep and have everyone forget about me their lives not marked by my presence. Sometimes I wish I had terminal cancer, so I could slowly wither away and die. I watched my grandmother fight it so I know how terrible cancer is. I can’t help these thoughts, I know it’s wrong to wish those things. I can’t get counseling my dad doesn’t believe in things like that. I’m too afraid to tell my doctor I don’t want cps or something to come, it’s not that bad my parents feed me, cloth me, get me nice things. It just when they call me stupid, or a cow, knock down the door, take away my glasses, stuff like that. It’s not that bad maybe it’s just me overreacting because I’m a teenager, people I know have suffered worse. There are people who are starving, dying of thirst.