help, i really regret something

a year ago i was in a relationship with a boy who didn’t treat me okay, he was very pushy with the idea of sex even though i didn’t want it nor feel ready. after him always asking i agreed to give him a blowjob even though we both knew i was scared and very uncomfortable. i just wanted to get it over with and even cried a bit it front of him. at the time i thought he was the best person, even though he treated me like shit. ever since the incident my mental health has greatly declined and i lose sleep over it all the time. i broke up with him because he wouldn’t stop asking for sex.

i’ve finally met a nice boy, my parents love him, his parents love me, he’s going to college and has amazing grades. i know he’s had sex multiple times in the past but i have not, ive only fooled around once like i said and its my biggest regret, all i want is too forget. i feel so gross and sick over it, i didn’t even want it i don’t know why i did it. it didn’t feel like my first time doing anything it felt forced and the thought makes me sick i don’t want anyone else to know, the only person thay knows is my best friend. i’m not a bad person for not telling him right? i don’t feel comfortable telling him and i’m afraid he may be upset with me. i hate myself for doing it everyday and i’m so hurt still. it’s ok if i just keep it in the past? right? i hope someone can help me. i just want to start over with someone who cares about me. i don’t see myself having sex anytime soon because i can’t stomach the thought.