I'm NOT suicidal, but I totally understand feeling like you have no other option.

I met my boyfriend September 2017. By December I was pregnant, but I didn't find out until March (I guess I was in denial). We both has sucky jobs. I went from one dead end job to another and he was fired, but I was optimistic that things would turn up before baby comes.

I had my gender reveal Mother's Day weekend. A few of my friends came down to participate, and afterwards they went out and had a late lunch. I chose to skip the outing. A week later, one of those friends passed suddenly. I regret not going to lunch with them the week before. She drove 4 hours to celebrate my baby, but I didn't drive 15 minutes to catch up with her one last time.

In September 2018, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Labor and delivery were super quick and painless, but recovery was horrible. I had bacterial vaginosis for weeks after I delivered and I didn't even know it. I though all the pain and discomfort was just a part of the healing process. I was miserable because I felt like I couldn't take care of my baby and my home like I wanted to.

Two weeks after giving birth, my uncle had a massive heart attack and died. I wasn't super close to him, but I am close to my aunt and cousins. Seeing how hard it hit them was and still is very disheartening. My aunt was at work when it happened. She was supposed to take off that day but ended up changing her mind. She blames herself. My cousin was home, and heard him hit the floor, but he was barely awake and didn't think anything of it. He blames himself too. My other cousin was 17 hours away in Colorado.

Me and my bf have been fighting a lot. It's always about one thing: money. He hasn't been working as much as he should have a d now were in a financial hole. It's to the point where we're are facing an eviction. We had a plan to move in with my parents until we were stable again, but that plan was shot down. Baby girl and I can go, but he has to stay behind until he can prove himself to be a provider. I'm not mad. I totally agree with my parents' decision. I just wish it didn't have to come to this point.

I'm at the point where I totally blame myself for putting us in this situation. I don't regret my baby girl at all, but I wish I would have made better decisions during my pregnancy, and I wish I was harder on him about getting a better job. I feel like I've completely lost control of my life. My head is so messed up. I want to be strong for my baby, but I feel like I'm headed towards of breakdown. I don't know what to do anymore.