I think I’m a little weird

I think I’m a little weird when it comes to couples showing affection or myself showing it. When I see couples in movies, tv shows or in public sometimes I get grossed out at them showing affection, but other times I find it really cute and want someone to treat me that way or want to be with someone that looks at me the way some couples do. But I also hate cuddling or hugging or any sort of affection with other people(including close friends and family). If they really need a hug or cuddle because they are feeling down or just need comfort, then I’ll do it! But any other time I really feel uncomfortable with it. And I was super cuddly as a child but as I grew older I started hating the close contact with people. But lately when I’m in some weird mood I actually want someone to hold me or cuddle with me. Like a bf/gf and I don’t know why either. If I were getting visited by aunt flow during those times I would understand why I had those random wants, but I’m almost never near the time when I feel that way. I have a small desire to have a girlfriend or boyfriend but I’m only 17 and have much more going on in my life then some other teens my age so I kind of just push that desire away. Plus I don’t think anyone would want me anyways because I have horrible self esteem issues and I think I’m ugly and super awkward and sometimes ramble on when I shouldn’t; so, I just push any sort of feelings like that away deep inside myself. If anyone actually reads this and has the same issue or whatever you want to call this that I do, I’m glad I won’t be alone with feeling this way.