Not having sex in a relationship

trigger warning: sexual abuse

My boyfriend and I recently celebrated 8 months together (not much i know but we forgot every other monthly anniversary 😂) For context we’re both 20.

In my first relationship my bf at the time coerced me into doing sexual things, eventually sex when i wasn’t ready. Whenever I think about it I feel violated and dirty.

Now I hardly feel like doing sexual things with my current partner as it makes me feel uncomfortable, and the thought of sexually “opening up” to him even with just touching or making out makes me feel intruded upon. I feel 100% comfortable masturbating alone but whenever he’s there being turned on feels weird.

We only get each other off probably about once or twice a month and I can tell that he is insecure and starting to think it’s related to my attraction to him, even though I’ve let him know about my past and what’s going on. We did talk about sex a while ago but since then I’m totally sure that I’m not ready to do it.

I feel like every other couple is doing it and people find it weird that we don’t have sex, and I feel guilty for him “missing out” even on just simple intimacy as I’m his first girlfriend. I feel alienated because our situation is so different from everyone else’s.

Does anyone else have similar experiences? And does anyone else abstain by choice? Is it normal that I don’t feel okay being turned on around my partner but can easily get off by myself?

Thank you all ❤️❤️