For the past few days, I’ve been sleeping a lot. Fading in and out of sleep, almost always laying in bed during the day. I get up every 3 hours or so to feeding change my 9 month old son. Sometimes, I lay at the foot of my bed, trying to keep him company with my defeated mental state and sluggish body. There have been a few times that I have shamefully laid on the floor to keep my son company, in the same defeated manner.

I only get up around 5:30PM. Make no mistake, it’s not by choice. My fiancé/husband wakes up for work at this time. I don’t want to let him know how bad it’s gotten. My anxiety tells me that he will be disappointed in me for not trying. He’s been doing a lot of work. He says he’s digging himself an early grave, but I feel like I’m the one that’s digging it for him. Lately, he’s been only getting 5 hours of sleep maximum. He leaves for work at 6PM, returns home at 7:30AM, watches our baby until noon, also cleaning the dishes and living room, and taking care of the dog in that time, until he wakes me up to pass the baby over to me. He’s a trooper. In his shadow, I feel ashamed. I should feel ashamed. That’s what my anxiety tells me. And I do.

My room is a mess. My fiancé and I sleep in different rooms. My floor is covered in clothes, probably 3 laundry loads full. The bathtub had a few pairs of wet, dirty panties, covered in period blood. There’s a pair of shorts that in the same boat. Trashcans don’t have bags in them. I haven’t showered in 3 days. I just changed a period pad that I left on for way too long. I haven’t brushed my hair in...I’m a mess.

I have a baby to take care of and I mop around until the sun settles in behind the mountains. I do have more energy at night, but I’ve always had more energy at night. I lay in bed and think how bad a mom I am; how selfish of me, but I don’t have the urge, will, or power to get out of bed. A small voice says, “there’s no point” and “you’re not strong enough”.

(Doctors gave me a mild medication for my anxiety. The reason I’m sharing this is, actually, I’m not really sure. Maybe it’s to cope. Maybe it’s to seek opinions. Maybe it’s to seal others that were in the same boat.)