This is a long long long story, but I'd really appreciate you reading through it and giving me some input.

So, I'll try to sum this up as much as possible. I have this friend of mine, I've known her for 6-7 years and I've had a crush on her for 3-4 of those.

Our friendship is based off jokes for the most part. The majority of our class joked that she was gay since she fit the stereotype perfectly.

Recently she was acting a little strange to say the least, and cryptically hinting that she was into girls. I ended up seriously asking her if she was, again, and again, and again, and again. It took awhile to get the answer but I got it by making her a deal. She must answer my question truthfully, and if she is a part of the LGBTQ+ community she could ask me one question that I'd have to answer truthfully. If she wasn't she could still ask me a question, but I'd get to ask her another OR we just drop the whole thing. Turned out she didn't exactly know, and seemed to be questioning it. I allowed her to ask me one and unsurprisingly she asked me if I was into girls. I was in a similar situation. I definitely am not straight but I definitely am not fully homosexual. I told her I was in a similar situation.

It felt good to discuss something so personal with her, since, like I said before, the majority of our friendship was based off jokes. We'd banter a lot and "insult" each other, never really meaning any of it. We never complimented each other much since neither of us were very emotionally open towards one another. That changed though. After we told each other this we opened up about a lot more, were nicer to each other, and talked a lot more than before. This sparked up a lot of old feelings I had for her.

Skipping to this weekend, I decided to invite her over. At this point I found myself basically head over heels for her. I wanted to tell her how I felt in person, though, spoiler alert, that hasn't happened yet... exactly.

She came over to spend the night. Things were going normal, drawing, chatting, joking, just normal friend stuff. We ended up sitting on the couch and watching videos and this is when I really spotted something screaming SHE LIKES YOU!!

I'm a bit of a nerd. I like to read people's body language, and I know a lot of signs in speech and body language that can point to someone crushing on you. Before we sat on the couch, everything seemed normal, though she was laughing at my poor jokes that even I thought were bland, stupid, and weren't funny in the slightest, yet she laughed at a lot of them. She seemed nervous, though she's kinda shy and always nervous.

When we sat on the couch she ended up leaning on me, almost in my lap, and she had her legs crossed towards me and was just overall really touchy and close which is a huge SHE HEKIN LIKES YOU!!! I didn't say anything though.

Skip forward a bit to night when we end up going to sleep. Though, I have PTSD and stomach issues so it's a normal phenomenon for me to wake up in the middle of the night. Tonight was no different. I woke up from a night terror incredibly nauseated. I was trying to go back asleep again, but I was very awake and alert from the night terror. My eyes were still closed and I was really still so it would've been hard to tell I was conscious.

I noticed my crush was moving around a lot, and suddenly my back was right up against her. Before I knew it a leg was wrapped around me and an arm. I couldn't believe that was happening, and I still can't believe it happened. MY SHY CRUSH WAS FUCKING SPOONING ME!! Keep in mind I DIDN'T TELL HER I LIKED HER!

She was conscious, and I'm 100% sure of it. She wasn't breathing like she was sleeping, and I know she didn't run out of room on the bed and just happened to spoon me A. Because my bed's huge and I was already teetering on the edge, B. Because she was conscious. Her purposeful movements helped me come to the conclusion that she was conscious as well.

Now you're probably wondering what's wrong? I've been crushing on this girl for 3 years, and after a lot of hard work, patience, and waiting I've FINALLY gotten what I've wanted. I thought that was going to be my reaction. It wasn't. I thought I was going to be overjoyed, happy, whatever. I most definitely wasn't. What I did feel was uncomfortable and empty. I felt no emotions besides emotional pain, sadness, almost disturbed too, and somehow empty at the same time. I still feel that way, and I'm still in complete shock.

Is there something wrong with me? I feel nothing towards her anymore. I got her, I finally did it, AND I FEEL HORRIBLE! I feel uncomfortable and empty and confused as hell.

This is my first REAL shot at a relationship. I've had horrible "relationships" before (basically somehow ended up "dating" 3 pedophiles at the same time when I was 12. Two of them threatened to kill themselves if I left, one of them followed through with it. That's a story for another time.), I have major trust issues, plenty of mental issues, commitment issues, and I think I'm afraid of intimacy.

I've known this about myself for a long time, yet I still craved a relationship with her. Now that I have my chance I feel like I can't go through. I feel awful about it too. I lead her on. This would be her first relationship too, and I don't want to give her trust issues. I don't want to hurt her. But I don't want to get hurt either. I feel hurt now. I feel heart broken and I'm not sure why. Is this normal? Is there something wrong with me? And most importantly what should I do???