Yesterday I started feeling menstrual like cramping. This worried me because I’m only 29 weeks pregnant. I had it all day, regardless of I drank water, changed positions or ate, they wouldn’t go away. When my partner got home I told him about it. But he was just on his phone and didn’t pay me much attention. He still asked me to make him food two separate times and stay up late with him. I didn’t stay up late but I made him dinner and decided that if sleeping didn’t help the pain at all, I’d go in the morning.

I wake up at 9 this morning, in pain, I call and they squeeze me in for 12:00. I get ready and tell him (who is still asleep) that I’m going to the doctors. I get downstairs, I get on the bus, and realize that I left my wallet at home. I call him to see if he can bring my wallet so I can see the doctor, I stress the importance of this appointment. All he says is, “ Oh, no, I can’t. I didn’t sleep well last night and I have a headache. I really wanna come to the doctors with you but I can’t.” I get that I’m progressively becoming more forgetful and it’s my fault for leaving my wallet but the doctors office isn’t that far away, he could’ve gone right back home and slept, it’s like I’m the only person who really cares for our son’s health. I just rescheduled for tomorrow after work..

This isn’t the first time this happened either. When I don’t feel good, when I’m tired from work, I still have to do everything for him. When he hurts my feelings, and makes me feel ugly and useless, it’s my fault and I should be patient with him. Friday I was talking to him about how it’s hard seeing my body change so fast due to this pregnancy and he yelled at me. Told me he’s tired of me and my issues. Then when I got quiet, he said this why he never talks to me because I always get upset. That was the first time in a while that I talked to him about myself, for that very reason. He always makes me feel bad about having emotions. He knows I have an eating disorder and I’m trying hard to take care of myself and this baby during this pregnancy. It’s so hard.

I can’t have sex because I was raped by him and I have anxiety attacks. So when we watched the first episode of Dexter, I had a horrible panic attack because of the rape scene and couldn’t watch it anymore. He’s still mad at me for not wanting to watch it.

He made me drop my only friends because they don’t like him for doing stuff like this. I don’t have anyone to vent to, only this app and him and he judges me every single time. Whenever I ask for help, it’s a no because he doesn’t want to. When we go out I pay for everything. Everything the baby has, I bought. We argued for the first five months just so he’d come to the doctors appointments. When he’s short on rent because he spent his money on stuff for himself, I save his ass. I’m tired of not being cared for. I can’t wait for the day I can save myself from him and feel free. I don’t know why I even bother asking him for anything when I know he doesn’t care me or his son.