Sometimes I just want someone to say “you’re doing great!”

Like I’m a SAHM. I have a sickly one year old. We are being referred to a specialist soon because of his ears and he’s suffering from chronic sinus infections, ear infections, bronchitis. He’s one. It’s hard. It’s painful for him. He screams. I don’t go anywhere. I haven’t been even to church in 3 weeks. Sometimes that’s the only place I get to see or talk to anyone over the age of 5. We live on a mountain. No mom’s groups. Not a lot of young moms. I’m lonely and tired. And always dealing with sick kids.

My 5 year old has had the one day of school. Three days of snow. Weekend. No school. School. More snow. This has been going on for weeks. His schedule is so out of whack and it shows. It shows in his attitude, his sleep, and just being a brat. He needs the schedule back. And honestly, I need him in school. His loud coupled with the sick one year doesn’t make for easy nap times for sick babies.

I’m pregnant. I feel like a beached whale. My husband works all the time so I can stay home. Don’t get me started on the lack of sex or even time and energy to feel like being together. I’d kill to take the gift cards we’ve had for a month and go to dinner. Just us. But I can’t leave a sick baby with anyone and I don’t have family nearby.

So my husband was off today. I hadn’t been out of the house in weeks. He kept our sick baby who slept 3 of the hours I was gone so my husband could nap and rest and watch tv. And I took our stir crazy 5 year old to play at a play place. We ate pizza. We played games. When we left he was sweaty and tired. But at least we were out of the house. I mean it wasn’t grown up time, but I enjoyed just being out of my living room and out in the world. Despite the fact that I felt like the whole world was staring at me wanting to know if I was having triplets. ( Just one. I’m just huge.)

But when we got home, my son started backtalking my husband over helping with a something. And that crappy attitude came right on back. The little one has been screaming. And it all comes rushing back. I’ve been chasing my child on my feet through a play place for hours. All I really want is to put my slightly swollen feet up.

But the reality is dinner needs to be had. Everyone needs a bath. Two out of 4 have church tomorrow. And thanks to this sickness and antibiotics, my youngest is nowhere close to being ready for bedtime early. Which is exactly what my tired oldest needs.

I tried to reach out to some other moms. Desperate for some adults to go with us today. No bites. Which is fine. I enjoyed the one on one.

Literally, I just wanna be an adult. I wanna be his woman just one night. Go out. Dress kinda cute. As cute as a fat pregnant girl can. And talk about adult stuff. I wish someone would tell

Me I’m doing okay. That I’ll fit in my jeans again one day. That we will get to the bottom of why my kid is always ill. That I can be brave through him needed tubes. That my oldest isn’t a total brat. Seems like he’s fantastic for everyone but me.

That I walked away from my career and traded in some of my dreams for the one of being their mom. That my name means nothing in the industry anymore. But maybe I will raise kids that make this world a little better. That even when I reached out to old contacts recently because I felt like I don’t contribute anything to our family these days, I hold no weight because I hold no title.

I don’t regret this life. I love my boys. I love this child I’m growing as he kicks bladder.

But sometimes, in a house full of boys, I’d like a moment to be an adult, shave my legs, eat a nice meal, and talk about stuff other than Batman and Paw Patrol.

Sometimes I’d like to remember there is still some part of me that isn’t just “mom.” Is that so wrong? People are dying on this app to just have babies. Life has been super overwhelming for a while now. I’m scared of how we will balance it with a third sweet child. And it isn’t that my husband wouldn’t try to give me a night out. We just don’t have anyone we can leave our kids with.

It’s just all been a lot these few weeks. Seems to be the story of our life.