a little background: diagnosed with borderline for some odd years now. i am aware borderline typically comes from a childhood trauma but it could come from other things as well. for a long time i accepted i just had it and didn't wonder too much where it came from. i have other diagnoses as well but they are edited a lot by different doctors so medications are often changed.

my mental health has gotten a lot worse and out of control over the last two years, with few periods where i am stable and doing well. i've recently begun asking a lot of questions. it bothers me i have no memories at all from my childhood. like i can't even sit here and write down everything that happened or who i was as a kid - because i have zero memory of that. the few things i do remember are always me feeling a certain way or doing a certain negative thing. for example, i have a memory of a father daughter girl scout dance which i attended with my sister and father. upon seeing my father dance with my sister alone for a song, i found myself running to the bathroom to cry and try to hide that. i don't think my father knew. i must have been 7-9 years old. other things i remember are similar to this though there are no emotions attached. i can only speculate the reason and what i must have been feeling.

it bothers me i have no memories of my childhood, and the ones i do have are not positive and usually bad things i felt about being me. i'm not going to sit here and assume i was sexually assaulted. i believe i am easily traumatized and have suffered some traumas that are recent i remembered in detail for a while but am beginning to forget and move past due to help with emdr.

my question is - is there a way for me to uncover locked away repressed memories and find out why i am this way? what my childhood was like? what happened in it? i'm wondering if it's one of the many sources to access to a better and healthier me.

thanks in advance for any advice or opinions.