Please no judgement.

I need to make a change. I think I have depression and have done for years, but have always convinced myself I was fine, I was managing, I didn't need help, I would get better, but it was all just a facade. I've always had an issue with asking for help or telling people I'm ill and most of the time I just won't, no matter how worried I am or how much I'm hurting/struggling. I'm not sure why I'm like this, but I feel like people will think I'm faking or being a hypochondriac. So I've never gotten an actual diagnosis but a lot of things I've researched point to either depression or BPD.

Anyways. I'm in debt. Just from silly things. I got a fine for parking in a 'loading only' space and just ignored it, even though the sign was unclear and I could have appealed it, so now it's gone from £60 to £175 and court action if I don't pay. Another one is I didn't get to the bank in time one day and my car insurance payment didn't go through, and instead of just calling up to pay I ignored their letters until they cancelled my insurance and now I have to pay an increased monthly payment that I can't really afford. There's a whole bunch of things like this.

I bury my head and pray for a miracle but I'm drowning and I don't know what to do.

I'm scared to tell my partner because he works so so hard to provide for us while I'm out of work raising our baby and I'd rather have a solution in place before telling him because I think the stress of it would be too much for him. We own a business and he's been working there alone since I had our son but I said I could still do some admin work from home which often gets left undone too. I'm also scared because his ex wife has BPD and she got him into £19k worth of debt that he only found out about when the broke up and he had to go bankrupt to fix it- he'd give her money to pay bills and she'd spend it elsewhere and lie about it. I know I'm not fucking him over in the same way she did but I'm not exactly doing great.

I'm just terrified. I want it all to end but I know it won't just disappear overnight so I need to take action and I need to do it fast. I'm exhausted all of the time. I paint a smile on all day so my son and fiancé don't see how numb and down I really am. If something slips and my partner realises a bill hasn't been paid or an order for our business hasn't been placed etc he gets understandably stressed and frustrated but I just get upset when he tries to talk to me about it and he feels bad and drops it.

I think I'm going to go to the doctor and get a diagnosis, and then contact everyone I owe money too to set up a payment plan, explaining the situation and hoping they cooperate.

Does anyone have any experience of anything like this? 😐 Does that sound like a good plan?

Any help appreciated. I've just had enough.