I lost my dad a little over a year ago

So I wanted to throw him a bday party so I asked all my brothers to show up they didn't have to bring anything just to be there at the house my dad was laughing and having a good time when my husband said something wrong with your dad I got on my knees and said dad are you ok while his hand was up by his face it just fell I saw his mouth was to the side and knew right away he was having a stroke I called 911 and he was care flighted almost 2 hours away I took off it was so foggy that night I could barely see my dad stayed in ICU for 3 days and was took off the machine I sat and held him till he took his last breath I didn't know how fucked up I would be after that but it's always running through my mind I feel like I'm going crazy I just cant believe it I was his only girl out of 5 boys man I sure do miss him so damn much how did it go from barley blowing out his candles to that in a matter of seconds and in front of everyone grand kid my mom all that were there 😔 sometimes I just feel like I have no one to talk to