I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of June. I posted here first with a vvvfl hpt that I had hurriedly taken in a shoprite bathroom on my way home from work. The line was faint, but there. I texted my bff next who saw something, but was in denial because it was so faint. I showed my husband who didn’t even see it. He was looking at the test like...

The next morning, he woke me up. “Cmon, get up, take a test before I leave for work.” I did, and sure enough, a clear positive! We hugged and cried and danced for joy.

After my first round of bloodwork, I got the call that my levels were lower than how far along I should be. “No worries, dear,” my OB told me, “you just ovulated later than you thought.” But I knew my timeline as I tracked that cycle. We had only bd the weekend I ovulated. Deep down, I knew something was off. I asked what my progesterone level was, as you know I’m a Doctor because of Glo 🤣. She proceeded to tell me that the lab messed up and checked my prolactin instead.

I went back a couple days later. My hcg rose, but my progesterone was low. She started me on prometrium . I found this out on my Birthday. My OB again, was reassuring so I stayed optimistic. But my cramps didn’t stop.

We went in for my first ultrasound. There was only a fetal pole and yolk sac. I was suppose to be 7 weeks. We went in again a week later. That week of waiting was absolute torture. When we went back, there was no growth.

My body still felt pregnant, but I was having cramping on and off my whole pregnancy. Doctors said that could be normal, but deep down I knew there was something wrong. I opted for a D&C, but before I went, I started bleeding. I was 10 weeks along when I started bleeding, though my baby had been dead inside me since week 5. I felt a sense of relief as the bleeding started coupled with intense grief. I had lost my father nine years ago to cancer, but this grief was different and felt so much more raw.

Today would have been my due date. I just remember my OB saying “2.19.19, that’s a nice date”. It’s been a long nine months of loss and grief and depression. My levels took eight weeks to drop back to normal. My periods are still not regular. I have bloodwork today with a fertility doctor to get some answers. My sis in law was pregnant at the same time I was. She just gave birth to a beautiful little girl. I just hosted my best friend of 20 years’ baby shower at my house last weekend. She didn’t even plan her pregnancy. And since everything happens in 3’s, I’ll be attending my other good friend’s baby shower this coming weekend. Babies are all around me. And although I’m a little sad today, I feel optimistic now that we’re going to get some answers from the fertility specialists. My fertility dr sounds very optimistic and I’m just praying we get pregnant soon. I actually ovulated when I first saw her and am in the TWW now. 🤞🏻

Today would have been my due date, but I know there is another date to come with a healthy 🌈 at the end of this storm. I know with God’s help, we will finally get that rainbow baby announcement I’ve been dreaming of. 🤞🏻

Thinking about all you mamas and mamas to be that struggle with this shitty road TTC. Prayers and baby dust to you all 💗