I’m 8 weeks+2 into my second pregnancy. This is my first baby with my husband, and I have a five year old from previous relations. In November of 2012 I left my abusive ex husband who had beat me, raped me and mentally abused me on several occasions. My mom didn’t believe me and wanted me to make it work. So here I am 4 hours away, no family and nowhere to stay. I spent a week either in my car or different hotel rooms before a male coworker said I should stay with him. I really thought I had no choice. We moved in together the last week in November and things quickly got “intimate” and I went along with it because I was afraid to say no. New Year’s <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> we found out I was pregnant. First week into the new year we find out I’m about 3 weeks so I know it’s my roommates and not my ex husbands. A month later my divorce was finalized and baby daddy high tailed when I went to spend the weekend with my cousins. Blocked me on everything. Turns out he went to Indiana with his brother. Again homeless, newly divorced, single and pregnant I moved in with my aunt and it was about two weeks after that my mom found out and told me to come home. I went to counseling and contemplated giving my first born up for adoption half way through my pregnancy. I started going to church and that’s when I decided to keep her. It was rough, but she was perfect and she was worth it.

Last night I had a very vivid dream that I was giving her up for adoption at her current age. Like I typed up a book of all her favorites, my information, doctor’s information, her health history, school info, if they changed their mind they could give her back, then we did the handoff and I watched their house and through the window I watched her continue to grow and I woke up every hour crying. I couldn’t escape it. When I went back to sleep, the dream picked up where it left off. And I’ve cried all morning.

Could this be guilt? Thinking of giving up my first and never questioning my second? It hurts so bad but I didn’t even go through with it. I was just lost, and wanted a family for her so bad, because I didn’t think I could give her that.