Hey guys. I dont know if I am putting this in the right group, so forgive me if I didn’t! I’ll just get right to the chase. When I was 15, I met a man significantly older than me. He was my best friends cousin. Let’s call him K. I was in a very vulnerable place- my parents were getting divorced, my mom became mentally ill and abusive and everything took a giant toll on my mental health. K helped me a lot. He got food for me when I didn’t have enough money to eat for days. He gave me love and made me feel safe and protected, even if I was in a shelter or a group home. He started out as a more of an older brother figure. But then he started using it in a sexual controlling way. He told me he had to approve of my outfits because he didn’t want his little sis to look like a slut and have dirty boys look at me. He always mentioned how he was a man and everyone my age was a boy. And that I was worthless and unloveable. That he needed to break me to build me up to the perfect woman. Then maybe I’d be worthy of his love. He would get mad and cheat and send pictures of him having sex with women at a bar he met when I didn’t want to do what he asked. He told me that my parents getting divorced and my mom abusing me was my fault. He told me not to eat and what to eat. He played a game at night that he called “monster.” It was disgusting and it always started out with showing him my new set of cuts on my leg, before he told me I had to do things for him on FaceTime and I would be okay and safe because after I satisfied him I was protected by him and he would fight anyone who hurt me. The “monster” was his d*** and I always hated the word monster since then. He would make me send pictures to him. Mind you I was 15 and he was 27. If I said no or even showed resistance, he would physically abuse me when I saw him. He started raping me because “only good girls deserved to be treated right and if I was going to act like a dirty whore I would be treated like one.” He stopped me from seeing my friends, and if he found anything on my phone that had to do with my guy friends, forget it. When I said no to things he would say horrible things to me and then ignore me for days, making me feel even more horrible. Anyways, one day he told me to get out of my high school because he was outside and he wanted to talk to me. It was 9:00 am and I was in class. School was the one thing I tried hard on. I had a panic attack in the bathroom and almost left. But for some reason I got the thought in my head that my school would never let a non student in and I was safe as long as I was here. I told him no. and that I didn’t want to do it anymore. He said “ok.” And I felt amazing. But that was too easy, he started driving by my house and my grandmas house and see if I was home and if anyone was over. Eventually he calmed down but only because I would always be at school until it closed because he wouldn’t get in, or at the library because he hated reading. I am now 22 and he’s married. I found out that he was engaged the entire time he was with me. But she broke it off a lot because he was horrible to her, apparently. Anyways, I lost my best friend. I am graduating college this year. I have a boyfriend and we’ve been dating for over two years now. He treats me amazing! But, I can’t stop thinking about K and how he treated me. I can’t get turned on by my boyfriend and it’s destroying his self esteem and our relationship. I know it’s wrong but I miss K. I miss the feeling he gave me. I was protected and “safe” and that I didn’t have to think because all my decisions were made for me. I need closure and it’s affecting my relationship terribly. I am disgusting for thinking this. I don’t know what I’m expecting from this post, and I understand if you have a mean reaction. I just don’t want to feel so alone and I want to fix myself.

Anyways thanks for listening :)