My SO have been together for 5 years. We have broke up a few times. To fully understand I’m going to explain the situation. We have a 20 year age gap. We met through mutual acquaintances and became friends. I was on the tail end of a drug addiction when we started dating. He helped me through the withdrawal which I did cold turkey because I wanted to be clean so badly and I have since remained clean and sober. After he helped build me up things got rocky. He became controlling and mentally and emotionally abusive. We would fight and it would get nasty. After doing some reading I discovered what a narcissist is and that he is in fact a narcissist. As I’m writing this my anxiety is through the rough. Our first break up was a year into our relationship when a middle of the nigh argument resulted in him outing his hands around my throat. The dog was whining Togo outside and he woke up and was shaking me to wake me to tell me to walk her. When I asked why he didn’t do instead of waking me he told me he has to work in the am and that I needed to get my ass up. I was out of it and didn’t get up right away so he elbowed me in the ribs and I yelled ow that hurt. He flipped over and put his hands on my throat and told me not to raise my voice to him.

Now to those of you wondering if I work, I don’t. He doesn’t want me to. We split up and I had my mom come get me. I was 21 at this point. We stayed split up for a month and all the things he told me like “you’ll never find someone to care for you like I do” “guys your age don’t know how to treat a woman and will cheat on you” “no one would wanna deal with your family you’re lucky you have me” “no one your age can make as much money as I do” (meanwhile we still have financial struggles even tho he makes $1200 each week. So with all those hints playing in my mind I went back. We had the honey moon phase and then tensions rose again and we started fighting. Name calling, derogatory remarks etc. we broke up and I moved in with a friend and we quickly started dating. I left while he was at work and packed what I could. I didn’t have my birth certificate or clothes for cold weather. After about 3 months I got a text from him wanting me to get my stuff. Meanwhile I had showed up with police a week after leaving to obtain my things and he played it like I never lived there or had stuff there. So we ended up speaking about getting my things and then he played the I miss you card etc. so it resulted in me backing down and going back. 2 months later it was bad again and I told him I wanted to leave. He talked me in circles and convinced me to stay. I had my things packed and a ride to come and get me the next morning but he talked me into staying.

Then the most intense honey moon phase started and we got married spur of the moment with justice of the peace. We were okay for a few months then it got bad again and I was severely depressed. I told him about it and needed to leave and I need him to let me go and not talkme down. He stated he couldn’t do that. So again talked in circles and guilted me into staying while playing on my fears and anxiety. We were distant and I felt lonely. I started flirting online and he found out. He hit me in the back of my head and yanked my hair and dragged me from the living room to the dining room where he pinned me up against he wall leaving marks on my back from the door handle. He dropped me and I was trying to get up but my socks kept sliding on the wood floor so I took my socks off to gain some grub but he hit me in the side of my jaw with the side of his palm. My mom tried calling me multiple times but couldn’t get through. At this point he walked away and was bashing his head in the wall threatening to kill himself. Next thing I know cops pull up and they ask to come in and he said no we would come out. They said they were called for a welfare check and needed to see me. They never separated us when asking if I was alright and I was scared. When they asked if I was ok I said yes but signaled my eyes to my hand opposite of y husband which was giving a thumbs down. They next pulled me aside and I explained what happened and they said they couldn’t see Marks so they couldn’t do anything other then give me a ride somewhere. I left and stayed with a friend from childhood. We got drunk one night and I ended up getting pregnant. I learned his situation was dangerous for me and my unborn child so I left and went to my moms. I was separated from my husband for 6 months and finally the divorce was finalized. I started getting scared and depressed and my mom and I were fighting a lot. Someone mentioned something on my ex husbands fb to me and I took a look it and my emotions went nuts. I started hearing all the things he would say and I caved and we spoke. He told me he’d raise my daughter as his but that I would have to lie to everyone and say she is biologically his. Luckily he didn’t sign the birth certificate.

My daughter is now 16 months and I have tried to leave 3 times since she was born and the same thing happens. I’m so drained physically emotionally and spiritually and I am not happy but I am so scared. I’ve been physically ill from anxiety and lost so much weight. I wanna leave but I don’t have options. Everything is in his name except for my car and insurence. I have no money of my own, no family or friends around. I have my younger sister and we’re close and I have my friend who’s been in my life since I was 16. We dated back then but have remained good friends. I’m talking to him I feel lifted up and safe. He’s trying to buy a house so my daughter and I have somewhere to go to get away. But I’m just so scared. Idk how to leave and stand my ground. The fighting has been so bad and he calls me names in front of my daughter. Names such as asshole, retard, dumb fuck, piece of shit, lazy spic, and also told me “you want a smack in the mouth..keep talking then”

I’m just so scared and depressed. So idk why I’m making this...I guess for support, input, suggestions. Idk I’m just so lost and I need help.

And Incase anyone may have suggestions I live in north east Pennslyvania