So. I am sitting in the loo right now checking my cm. Bleeding only last a moment 3 days ago. It's stopped completely.. At this moment there's nothing. The silent cry is real and I am so so scared because I know what could possibly come. Here's my story.

About 2 years ago I fell pregnant with my first. Needless to say that ended in a mc at approximately 8weeks. The pain was excruciating, the experience disgusting. Had a d&c and woke up in the middle of it and I felt everything. I cried out for them to stop. Iv never felt so alone in my life even though husband would be waiting for me right after.

I was carrying with a friend. Mine died and hers thanks to God is healthy thriving tod. This is where things get pretty cruel..

Fast forward to last week.

I found out I was preg again after ttc since the last mc. Emotions were all over. I immediately wrote down names id love and even drew up a list of people I would want at my baby shower. I wanted to enjoy every moment and take full advantage as last time I didn't get the chance.

That same week I went to the loo as I was constipated from taking iron tablets. I wiped and there was pink blood on the tissue. My heart sank. I just got my bfp blood results back to confirm that morning. My hcg was low but doctor was not worried.

I'm sitting there in disbelief. I shower get dressed and wait for husband in the car to get home from prayer. I saw him and immediately broke down. He took me back inside. The bleeding was inky that moment. It went to brown discharge very quickly on and off for 2 days but decreasing and I felt hopeful..but I still needed to get checked to make sure and get peace of mind.

Yesterday blood work came back and hcg had dropped by only a few. Doctors told me to prepare for the worst. AGAIN.

I was so confused as I have No other symptoms of mc. No pain. No hardcore cramps or Backache. In fact the boob pain has increased tremendously. I have been praying for a miracle. We have been married almost 6years with no kids to call our own yet. I really am optimistic and believe there's a chance I will get good news for my scheduled scan even though doctors and even gynecologist is not believing there will be good news.

I have been Coping this while day till now.

I don't want to bleed again. I don't want to look down and see big clots of bowl full of red. I don't want to feel the pass of tissue and look in the mirror and see my body go back to normal. See them go lighter. I don't want to have delete the <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.nurture">Pregnancy apps</a> I downloaded. I know I'm not alone and there have been people in worse cases than me and I wish it were that easy to cry less. I know God's plan is better than our own but I wanna question so bad..what wrong have I done so bad that this might be happening to me, to us again?. I have no other woman to talk with that can relate or understand what I'm going through. My heart is shattered. It's cruel because this time another friend of mine is pregnant with me and I am yet might be losing my baby.. Like i need some wisdom right now.

Update 25/02/19

So I had the scan today and it showed a sac and much further away a smal Blob what looked like a tiny black hole. Dr says I'm Possibly bleeding from that. There was also Nothing to see to show that it is a viable pregnancy. Having a miscarriage being confirmed a 2nd time in 2years didn't shock me the way I thought it would..but I Must admit that I cried my heart out during the first hours of the morningbefore my appointment. I Couldn't sleep, I knew I had to let it out and start making peace with something I had expected.. I knew the signs.

I don't know how I will Deal With it tomorrow but for right now all I can think About is how grateful and Blessed I am that God has allowed my husband and I to be strong for eachother at the same time. If that makes sense. I find so much wisdom and inspiration from that, that we can be healthy mentally for eachother together. I know he is hurt too and I might never know Right now how much it truly affects him too but I know. It breaks his heart in pieces too though he is this strong and positive but my he shows up constantly and gives and receives so in harmony with me.

Obgyn says we can try as soon as my next cycle ends. We don't have to wait as I am so early on. So we are grateful to get back on ttc. Gods plan is amazing. Thank you to Everyone for your prayers. I do believe we will get our miracle already. Our rainbow will come one day.

Also My first pregnancy.. . Baba would have been 1 around about this time this year. 💚