He doesn’t mean it. I just don’t know what he wants anymore. We’ve been married a little over six months and after the wedding he completely changed. We just moved closer to my family in a different state. He’s doing better.... but also has had some moments that I now consider some of his worst to date.

(((BACKGROUND: He has an ex that got two abortions without telling him until after by throwing the ultrasound at his face. His family is REALLY dysfunctional on every level. Mine is too, but in a different way. I recently found out that my chances of conceiving are VERY unlikely, and it’s been a huge stressor on me but he’s remained pretty neutral on it. Then we had an argument where he said “You should get to have a kid so you can see how much you would suck.)))

What the f*** is going on?

I’m a better writer when it comes to my feelings..... so this is what I wrote to him. He can read it when he isn’t drunk.

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A husband who says he hopes he dies in his sleep is not the person I want to be with.

A husband who hypocritically mocks the very real pain he caused in me, while blaming me for the mistakes of a past relationship is not the person I want to be with.

A husband who can’t stick up for me in any situation but instead of doing me the bare courtesy of remaining silent chimes in AGAINST me is not the person I want to be with.

A husband who drinks too much to remember the things he’s said, after hiding bottles and pretending his tolerance is more than it is, is not the person I want to be with.

A husband who can scold me on my own family dynamics and tell me I’d be a shitty mother when he knows what a bad mother ACTUALLY looks like is not the person I want to be with.

A husband who will read this and go about his day without a fuck in the world about his wife or her very real feelings is not who I want to be with.

A husband who only touches me when he wants to fuck me, and only says nice things.... oh wait... he doesn’t... is not who I want to be with.

This husband cries over his ex’s choices while refusing to listen to the woman who can’t bear his children, meanwhile he is unable to even voice a damn opinion about the future and what he actually wants.

Is he scared? Of being alone? Is it worth it to him if he is miserable? Is it worth it to him to live his life like the world is a threat? To stand by a woman who can lap circles around him and still tries to prop him up because she gives a damn and believes he is capable?

Or is he just an entitled little prick who can’t get mad when he doesn’t get his way because he doesn’t even know what he wants? Does he want to go live with his friends forever? Go share a house with his mother? Or his father? Or his brother?

Or does he want to grow up and choose the woman who chose him? The woman who has supported him and given him countless opportunities and visions and a fucking future? Does he even see that? Does he want that?

Because if he is not committed to that now, he won’t ever be. I am done wasting my time. I need you to make it worthwhile or you need to let me go. You can’t have it both ways. We can go in circles all you want, but this is my life as much as it is yours, and I need a partner not a patient.

Figure it out. My door is open, either way.

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Please be kind in your comments, I am a real person and in a tough situation.