When I was 17 years old my mom passed away. It was obviously super hard to deal with and traumatizing to me. It’s something I will never get over. My mom was my best friend. My father hasn’t been in the picture since I was in grade school. Even when he was around, he was abusive beyond belief. I do have a sister but she’s 8 years older than me and we share the same father, not mother. When I lost my mom I was completely alone. After she passed, I bounced from friends couches to my boyfriend’s house. Once I graduated high school I moved out and lived with roommates and have been on my own ever since.

I’m currently pregnant with my second child. I’m in a happy relationship and hold a good job. I’m in college working on my degree. For the most part, I live a happy life. Looking back on my childhood I think I did pretty well in how I turned out. One thing I’ve noticed though is that every time I’m pregnant I’m bitter and I’m mad so easily. I’m incredibly depressed every time I’m pregnant. I think about my mom and how she’ll never get to be a grandma and it breaks my heart. I think about how my dad just doesn’t give a shit to even be around. My fiancé’s parents are involved and they’re great but it’s not the same. I just find myself feeling so negative about my situation and how it isn’t fair that my parents won’t be involved in my children’s life’s.

I have multiple friends that are pregnant right now. Obviously I’m super happy for all of them and excited to raise our children together. But to be honest I resent them. I find myself pushing them away and not wanting to be around or do anything with them. Going to their baby showers/gender reveals or even seeing their posts on social media just makes me so sad and so mad at the same time. All of their parents are super excited (as they should be) to be grandparents. It just makes me so depressed to think that I’ll never have that. My mom would have been the best grandma and I feel like it’s not fair she was never given the chance.

A few weeks ago one of my friends who is pregnant complained to me about how her mom is buying her too much stuff already and blows up her phone every day about the baby and planning the baby shower and nursery. She said it’s “annoying” and rolled her eyes. I had to hold my tears because I would give anything to have that. I would love to have seen my moms reaction to finding out I was pregnant. I would love for my mom to be there with me when I got my ultrasounds or have birth. Or just to see my mom interact with my children in general.

I obviously know this is no ones fault and it’s just how things happen sometimes. I’m trying to be positive and not show my emotions towards these friends. But I just don’t know how to deal with this. I’m just so sad every day and the closer it gets to baby #2 being here the worse I feel. I just needed to vent guys. Sorry for the rant.