So recently and ex of mine who I was in a relationship with for about 3 years just reconnected. Originally I broke up with him because of his insecurities and how trapped I felt living with him. We had broken up multiple times throughout the course of our relationship but I somehow found my way back to him. I still love him he was a best friend I never had. he was also the reason I went back to school and got my AA with honors to then transferred to one of the best public institutions. I always justified in my mind that I could never find someone who could fulfill me the way he did and help me the way he did, he made me realize my own potential when I couldn’t believe in myself. Well despite us being recently friendly and him wanting to get back together, which he asked if we could work things out and I declined because he moved away for law school and I never wanted to be long distance. Especially because our relationship was always so rocky I could never understand his reason for being insecure and blaming me for anything that went wrong. Granted, at times I would start arguments because I was frustrated with him or he wouldn’t clean up after himself and we would constantly bicker over this so I eventually just couldn’t live with him anymore. Well regardless the now is he lives kind of far and I felt like we talked as if we were together but something felt off like for some reason he was being distant or just really busy with law school. But I go to school with some of his friends who have yet to graduate from the same school that I go to and he tells me that his friend was connecting him with this girl who had questions about law school and something just made me upset that he could make time to speak with a stranger and give them advice but he couldn’t pick up

The phone to call me when I told him I was worried about my finances and stressed about school. So when we spoke I was jokingly giving him a hard time about how I couldn’t call him cause he’s so busy but why hadn’t he made an effort to call me. Obviously he gets upset and calls me out saying I’m talking shit and how he didn’t want to continue the conversation. So I hung up and the next morning I snapped he sent me a text saying I made him sad and I told him to fuck off. I was tired of him playing the victim when he had just admitted to not being supportive or being there for me and then he made me sad. My logic was why couldn’t he just say sorry I’m not there for you? Instead he called me a shitty person and said the ends don’t justify the means. He also always would tell me whenever I didn’t want to talk to him I was hurting him and not considering his feelings but I didn’t feel like he gave two shits about mine. Idk I feel bad about everything. How can I go about fixing this for myself or apologize to him I’m not sure what to do. I know I made a mistake by snapping being upset isn’t a excuse but I don’t want him out of my life still I love him so much i just wanted a phone call and to

feel like he actually cared. As I’m writing this I just feel guilt and as tho I’m always the one who is wrong and I can’t change either