Should I tell her?

Question

Okay so last year I broke up with my abusive ex. He abused me for 3 years, He almost killed me and at that point I finally left him. Anyways. I’m in a new healthy relationship and I’m happy but I know he’s talking/dating to a new girl and I’m really concerned for her. I want to reach out and tell her to be careful but I also don’t wanna come off as a bitter or jealous ex. Should I say something or leave it alone? And no I don’t want him back nor do I still love him.

Answer

It's up to you, but you really can't warn every woman he potentiality dates, could you?

Answer

I left an abusive relationship, a few months later he got with a new girl, I messaged her, even sent her pics of my injuries she said I was lying he wasn’t anything like that, and that I was just a jealous ex that wanted him back, about 6 months later he threw her on the floor & kicked her in the stomach, she messaged me saying how sorry she was and wishes she had listened too me. His girlfriend after I didn’t say anything cause of how the previous one acted, but my cousin worked with her & she warned her, she also said we were lying & he sure enough after a few months done the same to her. But if I was you I’d tell her, it’s her choice whether she chooses to stay with him or not 🤷🏼‍♀️

Answer

I would tell her.

Answer

Your obligation to attempt to stop the cycle of abuse as a DV survivor is to formally press charges on him. They cannot deny what the state finds him guilty for. Just messaging her does come off as a jealous girlfriend, whether that’s the circumstances or not. But, if you believe it will help, try and do so.

Answer

I would probably send her a message, but don't be surprised if she doesn't believe you. And if she gets mad just ignore it. 🤷 It's not always this way, but some people don't go on to abuse another partner*... IDK why, but it's a different relationship/dynamic (and I don't in any way mean to insinuate that the abuse was somehow your fault) so the best you can do is tell her to be careful and hope for the best for her and move on with your life. It's up to her to do with the information what she wants. 
*Take for example my own father was incredibly abusive towards my mother for 10+ years until she finally left for good and they divorced. Even once they had both moved on and he was in a relationship with my step-mom (and my mom was dating her new husband) he continued to try to manipulate her and get back together and all that. She was his target of choice I guess you could say... and my mom told my step-mom. IDK if she believed her or not, I never asked, but they married and had a baby and when I visit I don't get the vibe something is going on (and I have scary good intuition and know my own dad) so I guess not or she didn't care? IDK. But my dad did also save her life from her ex-husband when he had made a plan for murder suicide so... 🤷 I pray my step-mom never sees that side of him and I think that's all anyone can do in that situation.

Answer

Personally I wouldn't say anything to her. I'm just thinking of it like this, he almost killed you, if this girl doesn't believe you and thinks you're just a jealous ex then goes to him about it... What happens then? Could he potentially come after you again? I know you just want to protect this girl from him and I commend you on that but I also think you have to think about the possible repercussions as well.

Answer

First, I think it’s great that you want to try to protect another woman from going through what you did. It would be impossible to protect every woman he meets in the future, short of tattooing the fact he’s a domestic abuser on his forehead. That being said, if you think there’s a good chance that he would abuse this girl, you should try to get that knowledge to her somehow. One option that would not come across as a jealous/desperate ex would be to send her the information anonymously. If you have anything that may be a matter of public record, like a police report, arrest record, or court protective order you could send that information anonymously and he wouldn’t be able to say it has anything to do with you wanting him back. If you don’t have anything that is public record, you could try sending photos of the proof of his abuse to you, if you have that, and you could censor anything identifiable for you in the picture. You could include a note that says that the only reason this is being shared is in an effort to prevent this happening to someone else. I would be careful about sending anything that isn’t a matter of public record because anything you say or write about him could be construed as slander/libel (if he can prove you did it and decides to press charges). Or if you know anyone who works for the police, express your concerns to them, they may have the ability to check into the situation and any woman would likely believe that he posed a legitimate threat if they hear something like that from law enforcement. I hope these suggestions help, if you feel the need to take action, please make sure to protect yourself first.

Should I tell her?

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