I don’t know who to talk to, and honestly I’m having a hard time even finding the right words but here it goes...

I am so depressed, and saying that is really hard.. the only happiness I have in life is my son, he keeps me grounded, he keeps me sane, he keeps me feeling happy and loved. The moment he falls asleep I’m left alone with my thoughts and my fears.. it’s a constant battle with myself what’s the right thing to do, what is it that I want..what do I truly want.

I want to be happy, I want to feel loved, I want to feel like I matter, I want to feel beautiful, I want to feel like I’m successful at something.. I want to make my kids proud of me some day.

I hate the way I feel when I’m around Jake, hate seeing him put on a front that he’s a good dad, I hate the way he makes me feel honestly. I feel insignificant, like it doesn’t even matter that I take care of our son by myself. He’s given me money for Mason a handful of times and that’s okay, cause I’m expected to take care of Mason on my own. It’s okay that he sleeps, or is on his phone, or getting high or doing whatever else than paying attention to his son. It’s okay to go weeks without even asking how he’s doing but I’m that bad guy, always. I hate that all that is okay cause he’s the dad and it isn’t expected for them to do as much. I hate watching him be a “dad” while people are watching but could care less when eyes aren’t on him. I hate how he starts to make comments about my weight, especially now that I’m pregnant makes me feel super great. I hate how he never gives me a compliment, or does anything sweet, or anything, it makes me feel like I don’t even matter. I hate not feeling good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. I hate that I can’t trust him, that I feel like I have to be looking over his shoulder all the time. I hate the fact that he LIES all the time, about everything and anything. I have to second guess everything he says because he lies so much. I hate that he is okay looking me in the eye, having a breakdown and still be lying. I hate that he cheated on me while I was pregnant/just gave birth and somehow made it seem like it was was okay and somehow my fault. I hate that I hate myself when I’m around him. I hate the fact that I hate him. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could be happy with him, I wish I could trust him, I wish he was a good dad, I wish I felt safe around him, I wish I could have my family together, I wish I felt like me around him. I’m pregnant with a sweet angel baby girl and I couldn’t love her more, or be more excited, but it makes everything seem 10x harder. I’m SO blessed to be pregnant with her, but I wish it was different timing.. not only do I have Mason to worry about, now I have Aubrey to worry about and it honestly sucks.. I’m not happy with him, I’m not happy without him..