I'm reaching out to strangers on an app right now because I'm having an extremely rough time. Something that happened nearly two years ago has been haunting me and now more than ever since I ran into him at a store. Let me start from the beginning.

A couple years ago, my boyfriend and I had broken up quite abruptly. I was absolutely devastated. A couple weeks later I found out that I was pregnant with my exs baby. My emotions were everywhere at this point from the breakup to the shocking news of being pregnant and knowing I was more than likely going to be a single parent. A guy friend from work was always there to listen and it was so nice just to have someone to talk to and vent to.

A few weeks go by and we start hanging out outside of work. I always talk to him about my ex and what's going on and how I'm still pretty torn up over the whole thing yet however during this time my friend was telling me how much he liked me and always had a thing for me. In a way I felt myself start to rebound with this guy. Looking back, I can see how wrong it was to kinda lead him on yet I would always talk to him about my ex and what not so I would imagine he had some clue that I was no where close to being over and done with the previous relationship.

So me and this guy we kiss and we get kind of touchy feely when we would hang out. He asked me multiple times if I wanted to have sex and I told him no because I'm not comfortable with that. I personally value sex a lot and only have sex with someone I'm in a relationship with. Just my own personal preference. He knew this.

So a week or so goes by and we hang out. We are kissing, both in our underwear, he has his hands down my pants and this I'm okay with. He asks me again if I want to have sex. I told him no, I'm not ready for that. So we are kissing again and the next thing I know he slides my panties to the side and he inserts himself inside me. I'm in complete shock. I freeze up and I'm begin hysterically crying. But he doesnt stop. He just keeps going.

I remember staring at the ceiling, praying he would get off of me. My heart is beating out of my chest just staring at the walls around me. He gets off me and embraces me in a hug. I continue to sob and stare at my pants on his bedroom floor just wishing I had the courage to get up, put my pants on and walk out the door. But in my head I'm thinking that I dont want to be here another second. But I also dont want to run out of his house semi naked and across the street to my car so instead I just cry harder.

I dont know how much time passes before I get up awkwardly, put on my pants and tell him I have to go. After I left he blew my phone up apologizing saying he felt so bad like he had disrespected me. We didnt talk after that.. I hadn't even seen him since after that until a few days ago I ran into him at the grocery store. I purposely turned down a different aisle so I didn't have to go anywhere near him. Ever since I cant stop thinking about that day. I question everything about it mostly wondering if it was my fault. Was it even an actual rape? I'm so confused about it all but what i do know is it makes me feel sick with anxiety.

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These mixed responses is what makes me question everything.. I could never report it to be told its equally my fault. Nor could I ever talk to someone about it. I feel so stupid..

The whole ordeal has been eating at me. I'm torn between crying out for help as it makes me not even want to live another day as this isnt the first time I've ever been assaulted. It's hard living and coping this way.