I don’t want to be here.
I’m over all of it. I just want to run away.
Disclaimer: Sorry for the long post:
Back story: my husband was really passionate about moving 12hours away from the place we grew up. He said there was more opportunity for him and the weather was better etc. etc...
When he told me about moving I was also going through post-patrum depression and anxiety. I had at least one panic attack a week, which he has never experienced, and he said he would try to understand but idk he fully did... which I get. And I eventually got on board with the idea.
His family and friends are slightly dysfunctional and he really wanted to get away from it all, which I totally understand. And he has flourished being away from them.
However, I’m extremely close to my family and my sister is like my best friend and her children are like my children. I was devastated (as were they) but I knew this would make him happy and I thought it would help us grow closer together.
We married very quickly... we were engaged in 6 months and married the very next June.
I have tried to do everything right from day one but it always seems like I do something wrong.
I’ve always been empathetic and a people pleaser. So I get really anxious when someone’s upset with me, and I tend to absorb every emotion I come in contact with.
I feel like our marriage has been one big rollercoaster. I love him so much, and on the outside looking in he’s perfect. He’s hard working, super sexy, athletic, and good with his daughter. He’s super charismatic and can make friends really quickly.
However, we have had some financial issues and disagreements.. I wasn’t able to work when I was diagnosed with pre-natal panic and anxiety disorder because it was unsafe. So all the pressure was on him..
then I developed postpartum depression and felt suicidal. I had therapy and went on medication. I worked part time but it was still hard.
When we moved he didn’t want me to get a job.. he felt I should be home and he thought it’s what I wanted so I agreed. I told him I didn’t think it’s what I wanted anymore because I felt isolated and lonely being away from family and friends but it didn’t matter. We couldn’t afford daycare and he said he could take care of us.
Every time I go to the store tho, or buy anything else I feel severe guilt. I always get a comment about - “well.. you spent too much” or “don’t spend anymore, we have no money”
Then we got hit with my student loans (I never finished college) and we got our tax return taken by the government for my loans. He’s brought it up a few ones and that’s why I can’t go home and visit family.
My grandma is sick and having surgery on Monday and I wanted to drive home but he won’t let me because he’s too worried my daughter will scream and my anxiety will take over. Flights are too expensive.
He said things like this are going to happen and we can’t always go home. He brought up the times HE got me and my daughter back home, how he worked so hard to get us there and he doesn’t feel appreciated. Even tho every single day I tell him how much I appreciate all his hard work.
It’s like I can’t win. Ever. Everything always turns into me not being appreciative and he told me to stop having a pity party and that we were above that. He said he’s done feeling like the bad guy. But I never actually blamed him for anything...... I told him I needed to go back to school and build a life for myself so I can go home when I want. He’s said before that me going back to school Was fine but I needed to know that would result in more loans... and he proceeded to ask me if that’s what I want.
I just feel crazy. Like I can’t control my emotions and I’m the bad guy always questioning him and not being happy enough.
He thinks my anxiety gets bad when I’m with my mom but that fact is it gets bad because I know my family struggles with liking him. They don’t mind him but I know for sure my sister and brother in law dislike him. And I hate it when people in my life don’t get along. I shut down.
My sister keeps telling me to stand up for myself and I try! But I don’t want to ruin my marriage either. I know my husband loves me and our daughter and he’s just doing what he knows. He doesn’t understand my closeness to my family. It’s just so hard to get along when you aren’t on the same page. And I try to talk to him over and over but it just turns into an argument and I end up resenting him and blaming myself.
My depression comes and goes. I had the typical relocation depression and broke down but now it’s like it pops up whenever it wants to. One week I’m fine the next I’m breaking down. And I hate myself for feeling down. I feel like my anxiety etc.. holds me back and it’s never ending. I feel like it holds my spouse back. I feel like a burden to him. Idk.
I’m just tired. Tired of the downs. Tired of feeling like a burden. Tired of not having control over my own life.
And I’m scared to even ask him to go to a therapist because last time it cost way to much money and I had to stop going. Same with meds... and we don’t qualify for cheaper insurance options. It’s screwed up.
I already owe medical bills to ER as well. I had a panic attack and it ended up turning into a muscle spasm and it felt like I was having a baby... so we went to ER and are now paying for it. So once again... all of our financial troubles stem from ME.
Thanks for letting me vent.
This too shall pass.
Ps. I will post updates to respond to any comments.