*Trigger Warning*

So back in July of 2018 my best friend of 10 years and I found out we were pregnant. It was the best thing in the world, not only had we both been trying with our S/Os for about 3 years (her having suffered an ectopic pregnancy in Highschool and had a hard time getting pregnant after she married her middle/Highschool sweetheart she suffered from PCOS and I suffer from stage 3 Endometriosis) but we both got to go through pregnancy together. We had our first appointments to confirm pregnancy and get our booklets on what to expect for the coming months and found out our due date. Hers was March 12th and mine was March 13th! We were so excited because that meant we would go through the whole pregnancy together and experience everything at the same time, we picked out matching outfits for our little ones and discussed what testing we were going to do in the coming weeks.

A few weeks later I find out that my pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy and we had to terminate. We were able to catch it soon enough so I have been able to keep my tube so far but my doctors are worried their could be some blockage because of the Endometriosis. Of course shes one of the first people I call after I get the news, we both cried for weeks even now we still cry about my little Saturn not being with us. She cries because she knows how it feels and knows how bad my S/O and I wanted this baby and felt a little guilty that hers worked out. I love my best friend so much, she has been here for me and has understood when I just tell her I need a few days because I start getting really upset. It was very hard for me to watch her hit every milestone knowing that I wouldn't, but as the months went on I started making peace with everything realizing that she is going to need me because becoming a mom can be really scary especially when it's something you've been praying for, for a long time. I realize everything happens for a reason and no i may not agree with what's happening or understand what it all means but i do know that if i would have had Saturn then i wouldnt have been able to be here with her through her pregnancy and the birth of her little girl.

I love the fact i can be there for her 24/7 and comfort and reassure her that shes doing everything right. And let me tell you the day she was born was filled with so many people crying, everyone cried of happiness for her but then turn around give me a hug and cry for me. I of course was just loosing my mind, I was so happy she was finally here and that my friend could finally hold her rainbow baby and say she finally made it. But I was also sad and grieving for my little one because I wouldnt be going through what she has just went through or be able to leave the hospital with a little one in my arms. And I realize that all of my feelings were completely okay. I realized that I was allowed to be sad and that I shouldn't feel guilty for it, i should embrace all of my feelings and just continue to take it day by day. And if I need a break then take one because she will understand.

She had her little one on March 14th the day after my due date, and let me tell you guys as soon as I saw her little girl I was so in love with her. I watched my friends face change as soon as she laid eyes on her and we cried, we still cry because we just cant believe that shes actually here and theres just so much more relief now that shes out and we can watch her every move. It's been hard and I've been really sad but I also know how bad she wanted this pregnancy and out of everyone I know she deserves her little girl then times over. She's such a loving caring person that hasnt had the best cards given to her in life but she doesnt let it stop her. I'm so excited to watch her go through all of these changes and watch her little one grow to become her own person. I absolutely love being an aunt to this perfect little girl and I cant wait to teach her things and help her get on her mother's last nerve.

Never give up, one day I will have my rainbow baby. But right now I'm needed as a kick ass aunt to this little one and my best friend needs my support, so it's just one day at a time from here on out. It's ok to feel sad and angry and bitter, just dont keep those feelings in, miscarriage and fertility issues are way more common than you think so voice your feelings they may understand more than you thought. But always remember to enjoy the little things. If you need a break take one, dont feel ashamed for looking after and taking care of yourself mentally. Just. Keep. Swimming.

Heres a pic of the little one, shes the cutest in the whole world 💜💜💜