I dont know what to do anymore...


So my husband and I are first time parents. We battled infertility for 3 years, suffered through 3 brutal miscarriages, and finally succeeded in conceiving and carrying to term our little miracle baby boy. My husband has always battled depression and always refused to seek help.

Since the birth of our son, I feel like it is worse. He tells me constantly he isn't doing well, that he's depressed, and almost tells me daily he would rather be dead. Tonight he said that if being dead would give him some peace that's what he wants. I feel like he struggling to bond to our son. Im back to work now and he takes care of our son in the morning before taking him to my parents. Every day he says its rough, but when I have him he is a happy baby in the morning.

I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I know he's depressed. I know he's thinking about suicide more often then when he makes those comments to me. Sometimes I'll wake up and he's just sitting there crying. I've offered to find a psychologist, social worker, or counselor for him. He needs medication but he refuses to see a doctor. I dont dare try and purchase something online but I doubt a physician will give me a script for him without seeing him.

I worry that it's getting worse and one day he just won't be able to battle through the depression anymore. It's exhausting to take care of our son and have to take care of his mental health too.

Any suggestions? Recommendations? Words of support? Anything 😞?!

**Edit: When I say he takes care of our son in the AM, I mean he changes his diaper again and puts on his outfit I laid out for him before driving him to my parents. I feed him and lay him back down to sleep before I go to work. He's probably awake with him for a maximum of an hour before he goes to my parents.**