College is killing me...

*TW*

I’m in my last semester of college. I’ve already petitioned/applied to graduate this May 2019.

However, I feel certain I am going to fail my Surgical Nursing and Anesthesia class. It is kicking my ass and I can’t seem to catch a break.

If I fail this class, I will have to wait a whole year to take it again (the class is part of a program and is only offered once a year). I don’t know how I’m gonna be able to put everything on hold for another year. The anxiety of it all is literally eating me alive, and sometimes I just really want to throw myself off a high rise.

Let me clarify that I’m not at a point where I feel suicide is my only option; but I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts in the past. Currently, I just keep getting these sort of super intrusive thoughts. But I feel like it’s such a stupid thing to complain about, like “Wah, you wanna die because you’re not gonna pass a class? Boo boo.” I don’t know.

I just want to graduate and pass the VTNE so I can become a RVT. Is that too much to ask?

Sorry for the mini rant. It’s hard for me to talk about this to anyone else. I’m just losing my mind.