Grieving

(This is a really REALLY long post)

Even if no one sees this it’s comforting to at least put something.

Since it was her nickname my best friends name will be ‘muffin’.

Last year in September my best friend that my sister had met online was diagnosed with a brain tumor (DIPG) which made my anxiety worse a lot, She was by best friend for about a year already. Later that month both of my parents agreed to meet her in real life with her parents and that was the first time for both of us actually meeting and yes, she actually was who she said she was and I was so happy to see and talk to her in real life but we both agreed that we’re both bad at talking in real life since we both don’t talk a lot to people.

At that time she was pretty okay, just sometimes she needed a wheelchair since she needed to rest her legs and her vision was a bit odd so she needed an eyepatch.

Everything was pretty okay for awhile until after the new year. She went back to St Jude’s but sometime during the end of January she had a seizure and was in a coma for about a week, I hated it because I was so worried for her. For the next month she had another seizure except was in a coma for less time, eventually she was getting more seizures so she was put on medication to stop them but she had to be asleep for about a day, and then after she woke up she needed more medicine to treat her headaches so she would be asleep for about an extra day.

Every time that happened I was so worried about her that I started getting bad thoughts from my anxiety.

There’s another thing that happened back in September, she told me that she like LIKED me along with having a 50% chance of dying and since I was confused I sort of dodged the ‘question’ for while since back then I liked another person.

Anyway after Christmas I realized that I didn’t talk to my crush a lot of I guess started not liking him as much, but at the same time slowly started getting feelings for Muffin instead but wasn’t aware until the beginning of February this year but didn’t truly know until Valentine’s Day which I had a nightmare the night before where she died and I was so scared that I stayed home that day. But that day I knew that I liked her instead but didn’t tell her until about the beginning of March where she was confused too. But on March 9th we both agreed that we both liked each other and we wanted to be a ‘thing’. Since we talked over a distance the only thing that I could do to show my affection was really tell stupid pick up lines and keep on saying how cute she was and send her hearts and stuff which she also sent hearts back in return which made me happy.

Last week during spring break my family except for my dad who couldn’t get time off ,went to see her (which was nice since it didn’t take such awhile since we both live in America) and we was happy I that was able to see her and her family. Although it was sad because she couldn’t really move a lot and had to stay in a hospital bed in her house all day really. Except the second day we got there she was able to stay in her wheelchair for the first time in awhile for a longer time then she did before.

But on the night of Tuesday throughout Wednesday she was sleeping (on Wednesday she did wake up but needed to take medicine so she went to sleep again). She woke up tired around lunch time of Thursday. We hanged out a little bit that night but she needed to sleep so it wasn’t that much. On Friday we got to watch a Totoro movie and and talk for a little and a was able to hold her hand during that time which made me really happy but later that day we needed to go back on a plane and leave which made me really sad.

After we got back home I still texted her up until Sunday evening. Then on Monday I just said April fools and occasionally tried to talk to her a little but she didn’t respond.

On Tuesday after dinner my mom got me and my sister together and said that Muffin had passed away that morning which made me super depressed. For the past week I haven’t been able to eat or sleep well and it just got worse with the news and now I don’t have anyone to talk to like Muffin anymore and every time I had a good friend they either just stopped talking to me or talked to other friend more.

I have my sister but it feels so lonely since I used to normally vent and talk to Muffin all the time but now I don’t have anyone that I trust as much and I don’t see my therapist until another week. My parents know everything really but I don’t ever feel like I can trust another person to become my best friend again since the result has always been bad.

I feel horrible that I wasn’t able to be there for her since I made her happy and she told me before that she was afraid of dying it just made me even more heartbroken.

I normally never post anything or even comment but I really don’t know what to do and it’s comforting texting since it reminds me of muffin.