I guess a bit of a trigger warning should be added here. This is my personal story about an extremely abusive relationship I was in during highschool. When I found this picture the other day I couldn’t help but cry. My family still doesn’t know the whole truth and I doubt I’ll ever tell them or my husband.

This is more just to get it out of my head.

I was a loner. Always glued to books and music. Never dated or did much. I was on the fast track to graduate highschool in three years even though I was out for a few months when my gallbladder had to be removed. I managed somehow. Senior year everything changed. It was English with my favorite teacher and the first couple months I stayed in my corner just doing my work. Early November I was having a rough time and a guy in class looked over my shoulder and made a corny joke about my doodles in my notebook. I tried to brush him off but he made another joke that had me cracking up hysterically. He walked me to lunch which we both had next and he asked if we could talk. So we spent the whole lunch period talking about school sucking, music we enjoy, tv shows and family stuff. We became best friends almost overnight. We talked all the time. He asked me out after thanksgiving and I said yes. No guy had ever shown interest before and I was lonely and we had already become great friends I didn’t think he would be different.

My parents had a New Year’s <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a> party and he came. His mom asked if he could spend the night because she was stuck from a snow storm and couldn’t get home. My parents said yes and he had a set up in the guest room. But as high schoolers do sometimes, he snuck into my room which was on the bottom floor and the guest room was on the top floor. We stayed up talking for a while and made out. I started to fall asleep and he kept grabbing me. I said no a dozen times and tried to push him off. But he started to choke me and force himself in me. He said he loved me and he just wanted to feel close. I lost consciousness and woke up in pain and alone. I couldn’t help but cry. He acted like nothing happened and it was a nightmare I had. Knowing that I was sexually assaulted as a child by my father he used that against me. (He read a journal. I didn’t talk about it)

He acted like such a gentleman during the day and my parents seemed to love him so I tried to forget because maybe it was a nightmare? I’ve had realistic ones before. But things got scarier. He would always find a way to get us alone and everytime he would hit me or force me into sex or sexual acts. He told me this is what love was. And no matter how hard I tried to fight he would always overpower me. I tried to break up with him a dozen times and he tried to kill himself each time. He always convinced me he needed me and I stupidly believed him. I tried to tel my mom or my sister but everytime he would threaten my life or my family if I ever talked about our relationship as anything other than perfect. He made an Instagram account in my name to post about how happy we were. I couldn’t get on to delete it. Everyone believed it was me. He seemed like the perfect gentleman. Until the door shut behind us. It took me two years to finally get away. We were home alone and my uncle came over but I didn’t know he was coming. And my ex was screaming at me so loud my uncle broke down my door and intervened and told him to leave or he’ll call the cops. My ex tried to apologize and beat me up really badly after trapping me in a classroom after school. I had broken ribs, a black eye and bruises everywhere. But no one saw me leave the school that day. No one saw the bruises. He always made me wear makeup to cover them. He made me terrified for my life. I was so young and stupid. I stopped sleeping. Stopped eating. Stopped wanting to live.

When I finally got it to end everything felt so strange. I didn’t know how to be myself anymore. My ex started stalking me and harassing my phone and my emails and even tracked me down on my college campus. I got a restraining order and brought the proof of his threats. The proof of him admitting to raping me and abusing me. The pictures of the bruises spanning two years. But the case got thrown out because he apparently was severely bipolar and off his meds. He claims he doesn’t remember ever doing anything but loving me.

I lived in fear for months. Until I decided to take my life back. Five years since leaving that manipulative evil person and I’m married with a wonderful son. It took me a long time but I got out of that situation. I found myself again. I found a will to love.

After cracking one of my ribs and giving me a black eye (covered in makeup but you can see the swollen mess) my ex took this picture to prove we were so happy and in love and that he got me a cute bear to hold at night. I have come so far since the girl in this photo

My son is my whole world. And he’s chewing on his pacifier that’s squished in his hand.

It’s amazing how much changes in five years.