I am regretting my abortion UPDATE

I had a suction abortion at 9 weeks and 1 day and it was nothing like what I had been told it would be. I was completely awake they only gave me ibuprofen and lidocaine that they didn’t even give time for it to become numb before they did the procedure! I could physically feel my pregnancy being ripped from my uterus and half way through I wanted to just cry my eyes out and tell the doctor to stop but I knew it was too late. I immediately started to regret my decision and hate myself, but my partner was by my side and I knew I needed to stay strong and not let him see how broken I felt. I still haven’t unsubscribed from the what to expect emails and I cried while looking at them and what stage my baby would be at right now. I know in my heart I did the right thing for my own situation and it wouldn’t have been fair for my baby to be born to parents who aren’t ready or to end up in a foster care system and never know their mother and father. But I still can’t help but selfishly wish I could hold my baby just one time and tell them I love them. No one in my family knows and only my close friend from back home knows along with my bf and his 2 friends both male. I feel so incredibly alone and vulnerable. I quit smoking, weed, and drinking the second I found out I was pregnant and now I’m finding myself wanting to self-medicate to numb my feelings of loss. Just further proving to myself I am in no way ready to be a mother.

Update: I just began passing the large clots after my abortion procedure a week ago and now I’m just crying in the shower because I know it was apart of my baby

Update 2: I unsubscribed from the what to expect emails and stopped trying to imagine the what if’s. I know the pain of losing a child because this wasn’t my first pregnancy. I had miscarried in September and part of why I even considered keeping this pregnancy despite knowing I couldn’t support it financially was because I couldn’t help but think what a blessing it was I got pregnant again so soon after and knowing how hard so many women struggle to get pregnant again after miscarriage. But I know I made the right decision for myself and got a copper iud implanted that is good for 12 years so there will be no more unplanned babies until I am stable and ready for my partner and I to welcome a baby with open loving arms. I couldn’t be a mother now, but I know when I am ready I will do amazing for my child.

I have also began smoking weed again but only medicinally, it has drastically improved my appetite and overall mood, I also started going to the gym again and I am beginning to feel like myself again and I’m incredibly proud of myself. I regret putting myself in the position of needing an abortion but I don’t regret making the right choice for myself