Heartbroken , he’s gone.

So I am happily married , let me say that first. But I moved out of my home state when I was 15 and I met my husband and had kids with him at 17. There has always been one guy back home that I’ve always thought ya know if I’d stayed home , he’d been the guy that I had kids with. We dated off and on throughout middle school and high school . I even had moments when I thought me and husband wouldn’t work and would always think back to that boy . I swore I’d see him again . But 2 days ago he died in a motorcycle accident . I feel so broken. I loved that man , he was something special . I feel horrible for my husband because I do love him and I will grow old with him but I just can’t help how my heart feels . He was so sweet and loving . He was so smart and funny with just the right amount of skepticism of the world . I keep having panic attacks and just want to hear his voice again . This man loved my kids , he’d FaceTime them all the time and would teach my son different things about cars . I just want to go back to last week. We made plans to hang out when we come back for the summer . I just ...needed to get this off of my mind . I miss him SO much and it’s killing me .

*edit - my husband knows I feel this way. He understands why I feel this way , he’s was a good friend of his too and knows that it’s been tough on me. I miss this guy because he became more like my best friend . I just don’t want to constantly be talking to him about it & thought I’d just make an anonymous post and maybe get some advice . But my husband does know I made this post , and thought it would be a good outlet for me too .