Okay so, to start this off I wanted to say, a few days before this happened. I got into a really bad car accident with my other girl best friend, we’ll call her L. It’s something that still affects me mentally whenever I’m a passenger in a car and I don’t have that control of being able to drive. So for a week or so after the accident, I didn’t feel sad, or angry or upset. I was in shock but I felt as though I didn’t have any emotions if that makes sense. I was just in this weird state of a mental fog. So my guy best friend “J”, I’d known him since the fourth grade, and we’d been best friends for 7 years. We were walking in this cemetery we used to all take walks in, and I told him how I couldn’t feel anything. And that’s when he suggested we should have sex. I agreed. But at this point in my life, I hadn’t had sex in about 2 years, and I had tried to several times throughout those two years but it was always just too painful for me since I hadn’t had sex a lot and my body wasn’t used to it. So long story short, he had a very big penis, like a lot bigger and thicker than the ones I’ve seen before, and when he tried to put it in. It hurt, extremely bad, and I told him I needed to stop and try to readjust, but he kept going. I didn’t know if he didn’t hear me or not, so I tried to tell him to stop and that it hurts, and he kept going, I kept repeating myself, and he kept ignoring me. And eventually I just froze. I tried to zone out and get my mind off of the pain and what was happening in that moment. Still to this day, I try to make excuses for him, and that he probably just didn’t hear me, but deep down I know that he did. And the crazy part about this is that I FEEL BAD for not being friends with him anymore because of this. I don’t know why. I tried to tell my current boyfriend about this and he told me it wasn’t rape because I consented to it at first. Idk, I don’t even know what to call what happened to me, all I know is that I just want to forget about all of it, and I wish that it never happened.