Lost myself

😔.. When I first downloaded this app I was fresh into a relationship with my ex.. happy .. having crazy sex... in love .. posting pictures of us talkin bout how happy I was to have him .. ya know this that and the third .. that was back in 2015-2016 .. It’s crazy how much a person can damage you .. We were off and on for 3 years .. I kept leaving and come back or he would leave and end up coming back.. I believe at the time .. as time went on and stresses Came about .. I became very very depressed and very low self-esteem .. he wasn’t the main reason but he was a big reason in that.. and I’m not putting it all on him.. I said and did some crazy shii too .. but overall we had a very focus and abusive relationship..

We were so happy and then we were so angry .. and bitter and jealous and untrustworthy.. I was never able to bring myself to cheat on him but he did not have any issue with at all .. After we broke up in Jan2018 he started telling me everything he did that I did NOT know about .. had a gut feeling but didn’t know for sure.. it was like he wanted to keep on hurting me even after I left him .. time went on and in Oct2018 we got back together .. he was now living in a Atlanta GA and I was still in Charlotte (4 hour drive ) we were together for almost a month again until he came home one weekend and I found pictures/videos of him and another girl in his phone ..they weren’t having sex but he was hyping her up and she was touching on him with no shirt on kissing his shoulders .. while she was getting ready for bed .. the 2017 me would have smashed his phone and punched him in the face.. but when I saw it I just went ahead and deleted me completely out of his phone got my shit and left and he was blocked on everything .. we started communicating again in late Jan.. he wasn’t in a relationship I wasn’t either.. our communication was very slow at first . And then we started talking more and more .. our 4 year anniversary would have been on March 24th .. .. he just so happen to be home and we were hanging out .. actually went on a little date on March 24th 2019.. unfortunately I had a great time and I say unfortunately because we were giving completely different than how it’s ever been between not even in the beginning were we like that.. I felt myself falling for him again but I knew he had to go back to Atlanta .. before that lil date we fell out because we had been Vibing and smoking and we had sex since he had been back in Charlotte .. then I found out he was actually with the girl that I saw him with in the videos and she has a little girl ( not his) I messaged her and told her about everything .. I did it because even tho the next woman might not .. I would want someone to lmk my mannss was apparently for everybody if it were me .. like I was me but the ugly Heffas are hoes and do not know their self worth.. anyway lol .. after he got back to Atlanta I FaceTimed him .. he answered and he was in HER house while she was at work with her daughter running around trying to play with him n wanting some food .. at that moment I knew .. I had to be selfish and put myself first no matter how much pain this is for me .. I had to let this go .. let this hurt and betrayal go .. even though it was a abusive and toxic relationship I had love for him still because of everything else we had been through together .. I use to say I will always love him . But I’ve come to terms that I can no longer say that.. it’s like it’s putting paste on a broken heart ..trying to make room for something that God has tried to remove from your life in every kind of way.. today I am single .. not ready to mingle and I honestly am scared I won’t ever be ready again to meet someone new.. I’m trying to recollect myself.. it’s hard .. I do also recognize now that I kept going back to him because I was weak and I was trying to revive something that had already turned into a corpse ..

He FaceTimed me the other night .. I answered .. it had been a minute since we last talked and I figured if he was calling me then he must be going through something .. he was and we did talk but not about what he was going through.. as I tried to get him to open up I realized he was stressed about ole girl he was with and he really tried to talk to me about her .. basically he was going through what we was going through with her ( and in a lot shorter time frame too ) I deaded that tho .. I can say I’m not mature enough or over him enough to have a conversation about him and his girlfriend issues. And I for one don’t know why he thought I was gonna give him advice or w.e he was looking for from me that night .. I would say eventually I’ll be mature enough but I don’t wanna lie lol and I don’t want him back in my life..

I thought he loved me .. I thought I had a good man.. I thought I was a good woman for him .. I wasn’t .. He wasn’t ..

I read something today tho that really stuck with me ..

UNTIL A MAN HEALS HIMSELF , HE’LL BE TOXIC TO EVERY WOMAN THAT TRIES TO LOVE HIM

and that really hit my soul..

I’m sorry it’s so long .. I just needed to vent and I don’t have family or friends that I can vent to about because they all hate him and hate that I kept letting him in my life so I don’t and can’t talk to anyone around me about this...

if you read this and you’re going through a similar situation I give you this advice : TRUST YOUR GUT FEELING & LOVE YOURSELF AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST !!