Infertility awareness week-Trigger Warning

I Would love to just talk about my babies for a minute.

I spent all of 5 months trying to conceive and then got pregnant a month I wasn’t tracking. I waited a week to even test I was in such shock. It was Easter Day. 2am when I tested to be exact.

Though something didn’t feel right. Joined a due in December group and all the others tests were so dark. Mine weren’t. Later that night I started spotting. I went to the Er on post. The doctor preformed a ultrasound and saw nothing. My pee test came back negative but my blood hcg level was 30. The next day I bled so much. That’s when I learned what a chemical was. I was heartbroken. However I picked myself up and tried again.

I went on to try again. This time I use ovulation tests. This baby I found out about two days before hubbys birthday. May 28th. I was having a February baby! My first rainbow. Of course nothing could go wrong with this. I already had a miscarriage. I was so wrong. However I got my first ultrasound and there was baby! With a heartbeat!!

I was thrilled. Went to a doctors appointment at 9 weeks and of course couldn’t hear hb on Doppler but the ultrasound room was full. At 11 weeks I saw a drop of blood. Freaked out ran to the ER where they told me baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. It sunk in that I was carrying a baby that had been gone for 3 weeks inside of me. I wanted the pills immediately. The pills made it feel like real labor. But that didn’t get everything out and I got an infection. A week later I was having a d&c in the office with no pain meds without my hubby in the room. I was screaming in pain. Then it was over. Everything was done.

I needed to get away. I was so depressed. I started getting drunk and lying about things. Making up stories that never happened. My husband stayed there by my side through it all. Holding my hand and kissing my tears away. We went to the beach for a weekend.

After that of course I wanted to try again. My husband was so iffy about it though. I got so crazy about it. Bought internet cheapies and timed our sex. It was taking a toll on my brand new marriage. 6 months into it I told him I was taking a break. We needed us time. End of January I just felt different. I woke up after going out drinking and looked at my hubby and told him I thought I was pregnant. February 4th I tested (the day my previous loss was due). My first thought was I can’t do this again. I’m not strong enough.

Here I am though. 15 weeks and baby is great. My rainbow might actually be coming. I just keep waiting on the bomb to drop but maybe it won’t. Maybe this is our strong rainbow baby.

This was long and I’m sure you didn’t read all of it. I just needed to get this off my chest. With the anniversary of the first loss last Sunday mixed with it being a holiday. I felt like I couldn’t grieve. Thank you for reading my story.