I don’t feel valid

I had a suicide attempt nearly a year ago. And a guy I trusted took advantage of my PTSD and got me to enter into a relationship with him. I made it clear that I didn’t want a sexual relationship. He started bending rules almost immediately. He started manipulating me and within 6 weeks we had sex. It hurt too bad to finish and I was the one left apologizing. He had been grooming me the entire time with phone sex and sexting. My depression and self harm skyrocketed. He knew I had severe health conditions. We had sex 6 times over the course of as many months. After every time I would bleed and be in pain. But he enjoyed when I was in pain. If I asked him to stop he wouldn’t. I caught him cheating but I felt so out of control I stayed. Then he forced me one last time to have sex. My period was a week late and I had a pregnancy scare, and pregnancy in my condition can kill me. I ended things. And I’ve lost friends because they think that things were better when I was with him. I feel less valid because I didn’t say no all the time. I hate myself for what he did to me. But I’ve never been able to tell myself that he raped me and probably tried to get me pregnant when he knew I was going to leave him.