Past trauma

How can you tell people what you been through I’m afraid if I speak my truth people will look at me differently or think of me differently lately I can’t get rid of a memory I thought I buried long ago for some reason it comes back and I can’t get rid of it when I was 8 I was sexually assault but my first cousin who was 17 at that time we didn’t leave in the same house so I trusted him I was happy seeing him that I when to sleep next to him I woke up in the middle of the night by him trying to force himself inside of me but I turned around I fought him quietly because I didn’t want people to know or find out because deep down in my heart I knew they would of blamed me. Not long after that a second cousins of mine rape me throw anal sex I still didn’t say because in the black community the girl always get blame a family friend made me perform oral sex on him all that was before I turned 12 now I’m 22 I can’t stay in a relationship because I don’t think that I deserve love and that I’m too broken I’m tired of self harm and suicide though and depression I need help but I’m still scared of telling my family and friends I’m scared of their reaction.