So me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 11 months now, and I’m happy with him we do love each other dearly but it’s like he’s easily annoyed with me he never wants to do anything it’s like he doesn’t like me. A couple nights ago we talked and he opened up to me for the first time and we just talked about our feelings and stuff. He said he’s going to try to fix it he just loses his motivation easily and gets depressed and I understand that because I am diagnosed with bipolar depression. Anyways I’ve been keeping a secret from him and it’s been tearing me apart but I just haven’t had the guts to tell him. since he opened up to me I thought it was only right to tell him. I’m muslim and I am a virgin but when I was 16 I was feeling left out because all of my friends were sexually active and I wanted to wait till marriage but I had a guy friend from work ( mind you I didn’t like him at all ) and my friend was over and encouraged me to sneak him over so I did and then she left the room and I felt kind of weird because I thought she was going to be there the whole time so to make a long story short we ended up kind of Messing around He was kind of pressuring me and kept asking and asking and asking he wanted me to suck his dick I’ve never done it so I told him no he wanted to have sex with me I was a virgin so I told him no we ended up doing anal no lube or anything so it didn’t really go in and he was 16 so it’s not like he was big it lasted like 1 min and I felt so bad that I cried after I never told this to anyone but my closest friend and I shared it with my boyfriend the other night and It was wrong of me to not tell him but I was honestly so scared and I didn’t want to break up with him or change his mind about me and have him think I wasn’t pure I still counted myself as a Virgin and counted my boyfriend as my first because i was only 16 and it wasn’t a good experience but he is so mad at me and we talked about it a lot and he’s still kinda treating me differently. he was always distant before I told him this but now it’s just like he looks at me completely different way and it hurts. when we first started dating I found videos and a list of girls he fucked or had sexual encounters with on his phone some of the prostitutes some of them not and I haven’t looked at him any differently than I do now he still perfect in my eyes I forgave him yeah I cried and was mad but I got over it I just feel so sick because it took a lot for me to tell him and I feel judged

It’s just been bothering me and today I went into work and I actually got sent home because I got an argument with my manager. as a muslim woman I was raised to take care of the house and kids (which we have been trying for so wish me luck) so I never expected to work I was a stay at home girlfriend (if you will )when we first met but that changed later on he made me get a job LIKE told me I had 7 days or he’s done. I’m happy to have a job because I like to buy my own things but I also like to stick to my traditions. that’s another disagreement we have because he says I’m lazy i’m not going to lie I do get lazy sometimes but that’s just something that comes with bipolar depression because I feel weak and I don’t feel like doing anything for months at a time I can’t control it

Also another problem we’re having is his mother. I honestly have one friend we call each other every day but I don’t get out of the house much unless I’m going to work I get very bored I get very lonely and I talk to his mom sometimes to keep me company but she got mad at me one day and sent me a message and it’s been tearing me apart ever since

I am Nigerian / American and he is white so we do get hate from strangers but this from his mom makes me very sad

I just feel like a relationship is going downhill I want to talk to him but I don’t think he understands where I’m coming from I just came on here for advice. should he be mad ? should I have told him sooner ? I just really love him he’s my first everything and I want to marry him and be with him and have his kids I could be pregnant right now I’ve been tracking my periods and ovulation cycles with the app this is just killing me inside and I had to get it out I had to tell someone because honestly I don’t feel like being alive right now I want the pain to stop I gave up a lot for him my mom doesn’t speak to me anymore because I’m not with an african man I have been sexually harassed and molested a lot as a kid and when I did that at age 16 I was easily pressured and it just brought back memories of me being pressured into being molested by my stepdad I said no but sometimes I can’t say no because I’m scared. I kind of trained myself to block that whole situation out of my mind so when I told him it brought everything back and I keep thinking about it I’m 19 now and I know I have a lot to live for but with all this going on I feel like I don’t deserve him I hate myself and I have no one to go to for help

Sorry for any typos I type fast**