I need to shame myself I guess because I can’t stop crying about it tonight. I was given an very unexpected blessing in February. I’m currently 14 weeks pregnant and I’m still smoking cigarettes.

10 years ago I was told I’d never get pregnant without doing fertility. My husband and I thought and prayed over the diagnosis. We decided to not pursue that route. He has 3 children from a previous marriage who at the time were still young. So we moved on and enjoyed our family and life. God’s plan was different. In March I received a shocking phone call from my doctor after some blood work that I was pregnant. I was about 5 weeks. I tried to go cold turkey that same day after a couple hours. It took a few hours after his phone call to get my feet back on the floor so to speak. We hadn’t been trying to get pregnant but being that I was supposedly infertile we weren’t using birth control. I lasted about 2 days before I couldn’t do it. So at the first OB appt a few days later my doctor told me to just try to cut back until my first ultrasound to see if it was a viable pregnancy. He didn’t want more added stress on me. My ultrasound came and we had a strong beautiful heart beat. So he said it was time to actively start quitting. Patches aren’t an option for me as I’m allergic to the adhesive so his nurse helped me “plan” to cut back. I seriously tried. I did well on cutting back for a couple weeks. But this week I’ve just failed at it.

I’m failing my baby already! I don’t smoke like I used to but at this point in the plan I should be quit. My husband thinks I’ve quit. He’s so proud of me.... so I’m failing him too.

I have hyperemesis and you would think that would stop or help me stop... no! In this stupid bizarre realm of shame I’m living in everything that should ease my nausea seems to make it worse but half a cigarette makes it almost disappear.

I know all the science that’s it’s horrible for the baby and yes me too. I’m weak.... but after throwing up all day and all I want is to drink and eat something. So I cave and have a cigarette and then I’ll drink and I’ll eat and finally keep it down. But the guilt sets in.... I do plan to call my OB and make an appt in the morning because I can’t do this cycle anymore. I can’t keep risking my baby’s health.