Running Out of Time

I feel like I'm running out of time. I've been out of my abusive relationship for 15 months now. Yet I still feel the weight of the torture on my shoulders at times. I still cry myself to sleep at night sometimes wondering why I'm never told enough. I look myself in the mirror and scold my reflection, disgusted by such a fat and hideous creature. I have nightmares, I have days I don't bathe or eat because I don't care about myself.

But this man. He gives me what I need. But I'm still unsure if he truly wants me. I know he says he does, but my former abused self thinks everything is a lie still. My son's father ruined me, and I hate him for it.

My SO. He's so handsome 😍😍

I want to be married so bad I can taste it. I've dreamed of it. I've pretended it. My SO is unsure about marriage itself, I think. He doesn't really talk about it much. But I'm afraid. I keep wondering if I should ask him myself?? I know that's not normally how it goes, the woman asking the man. But I figured, I could make a night for him. Spoil him the way he's done me and then ask him to be my husband. I've cried for this. I'm 25 and I feel like I'm running out of time.

This is me, anxiety ridden, no food for a week, no sleep for days from nightmares, nothing that takes care of me. I'm at a loss. I need this.