I am a cheater too.

08/02/18

Junior,

You called me yesterday and asked if we can see each other. I said yes. We had lasted 12 days without seeing each other, and you told me it felt like a month. Throughout the past 5 months being together, we’ve gone through ups and downs. Our beginning was beautiful, and our ending, not so much. It’s crazy, because I feel like we just clicked from the beginning. Our first conversation, date, and kiss, it was amazing. 2 months go bye and I realIze I’m not the only girl you’re saying I love you too. I was so heartbroken. I knew from the moment we met that there couldn’t have been anyone more perfect, and that night, you proved that I was right. You aren’t perfect, and we all aren’t. I forgave you, only because you had seen what you did wrong, and you owned up to it. We continued, and there were times were I felt you distancing yourself from me. There were days that you wouldn’t say I love you back, and there were days were you didn’t even say goodnight, or even tell me if you were home. Moments of frustration and curiosity of whether you even cared for me came into my mind. But when we saw each other, everything became perfect again. I remember everything. Eventually, you distancing yourself from me became more frequent. You wouldn’t call, you wouldn’t text, and you wouldn’t care to respond either. That perfection I once loved was replaced with disaster, because the person I was in love with tells me he doesn’t want me anymore. You told me that you had urges to cheat on me, and that one day you will get tired of me. I tried my best to make you feel something for me with tears, screaming, everything. Nothing was working, and you watched me as I asked you why you don’t love me anymore. Little did I know while you were out getting “space,” you were actually just in her bed.

Silence.

That night I had found out, I thought to myself. Four and half months ago, when we had just began dating. I was at a party and we had gone to a lookout at the Bay. We were all drinking, and someone started touching me. Tall, handsome, and he could sing. It was Hazel. He told me I looked sexy that night. I laughed and ignored him. I was pretty drunk, and I knew I was. I was throwing up and he was holding up my hair. Everything was pretty blurry and he said to me,” maybe you should suck my dick.”

I didn’t think anything of it.

I said “Maybe I should” and grabbed his hand.

I walked hand in hand with Hazel to the car. I forgot about the fact that I had a boyfriend at home waiting for me. I had a boyfriend waiting for me to text him that I’m home SAFE.

We went inside his car and he pulled down his pants. He took it out and I saw that his dick was huge. It was bigger than yours. I kept sucking and sucking as he moaned my name. He then came in my mouth.

As he was pulling up his pants he looked at me and asked, “Hey, don’t you have a fucking boyfriend?”

Disgust.

I totally forgot about you.

I mean, it was our first week of being official. Who were you to mean anything to me?

We exited the vehicle and went back out to the look out to continue drinking with our friends.

The next morning you texted me. You told me things didn’t feel right. You were definitely correct. Things did not feel right.

But I had to pretend everything was okay. I isn’t say it but everything was WRONG!

But at that moment everything was fine. Why? Because it didn’t happen. I shoved it to the back of my head. The idea of me being a cheater. The idea of me being a BAD person. NO!!!!! I am a GOOD person!

I know that the feelings are gone. Now I realize that the only reason I lied and stayed with you is because I was selfish. I wanted you to be around so I can use you. Emotionally, psychically, financially. Free dinner, dates, and sex. It was all great.

To find out that you cheated on me too made me angry.

Why? Because I’m selfish and only bad things should happen to the other person. I am a GOOD PERSON. This is what I repeat to myself.

But in reality, I knew the truth. When I started crying during arguments, it wasn’t because I was scared. It’s because I cheated.

I didn’t have respect for you. Selfish, like how we both are.

I don’t even feel sorry anymore. I’m starting to think maybe we are perfect for each other.