I never thought that I would ever experience domestic violence and I never realized how difficult it truly is. I know that what has been happening is wrong and that it's dangerous and seems to be getting worse and I realize that something needs to change and that it can't continue. But what I am not prepared to deal with is the emotions, the confusion and the fog, these intrusive thoughts that wipe away everything that happened and tries to paint such a positive image in my mind and it's so convincing that I just push it aside as if nothing has happened.

I see this man that I fell in Love with all those years ago and it seems that he also has this other person residing inside him and when he drinks alcohol he gives the monster the key and lets it take over. One way I have learned to cope is by disassociating. I go somewhere else in my mind but still I see how horrible it is but it's like a movie. Is this really happening? When did he become this monster and where is it hiding when the alcohol is away?

My family and friends and even people I have turned to for help seem to have so much trouble understanding why I haven't called the police and shut him out of my life when things escalated. I try to explain what it is like to sit down and laugh and spend time together doing things like taking our child to the park then hours later they come into the room a monster with that same person's face and voice and how I pray at night when we're there that he just leaves us alone and falls asleep before us. Or how the next morning he acts as if he has no memory of anything that happened the night before and does something again that shows me the person I Love and when words like "police" and "restraining order" are spoken with such urgency, this thick cloud of confusion comes over me and I think "is it Really that bad?" I Love him and he's such a good person when he isn't drinking.

I feel guilty speaking about things that happen when he's drunk to my family or friends or counseling. I feel guilty that we have a dcs case because I couldn't deal with it myself anymore and had to speak to someone. All the times I spoke to places like home safe shelters just to understand what this is and how to get out of this confusion and mess of emotions, I feel guilty because he expects me to keep it all to myself and tells me that I am a coward and runaway when we have problems like this. I feel guilty that I can't just keep pretending like it never happened.

I use to hear stories like this on tv and think why didn't they just get out and think about how I would handle it but I was not prepared and no one can ever understand what it's like for the abused, what they're going through inside and why it's a long difficult battle to get themselves out until they've actually experienced it first hand.