Dear, whoever's listening..

This is hard for me to say out loud. I have heavy social anxiety and depression. I've never been on anything for it. All my close friends and family know this but they for the most part dont see it as bad as I do and see it as life altering as it really is because I guess I'm still considered "social, friendly, sweet, funny and down to earth" I'm not quiet or awkward.. if anything my nerves make me talk more but I do feel like I sound stupid half the time..I've been like this since I was young but for some reason it's gotten worse over the past 2 years or so.. I'm in my early 20s now..I feel alone..I feel like I am ashamed of myself and my life..I have had no motivation for the past 3 years. I feel like I can't accomplish anything I would want to do in life like be a vet tech or help foster kids in social work. I was never very school smart but am a smart person in general with a good moral compass in life. Everytime I am out with friends or family I feel nervous to even go because I constantly feel like I am being judged or criticized for not being farther in life. I turn red when I get attention of any kind, good or bad..even with friends & family I am really comfortable with.. I get nervous in larger crowds like going to a restaurant because I dread the moment attention will be on me. Sometimes I wish I was really ugly or invisible because I dont even like the attention I get from guys in public. I know I am wasting my life feeling this way everyday. I am such a worrier, I am not good at handling stress. I have little self confidence in myself even though I was never bullied, and I come from a great loving family.. regardless of my parents fucked up divorce. My dad has always told me the Serenity prayer "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" I love that prayer but why can't I make it my life. I don't know why I am like this and why I can't fix it? It seems like it should be easy to learn to let go but it's not. Why havent I grown out of feeling like this? No one else in my family is this screwed up in the head. How am I ever going to find a husband if I have these issues? Family events etc. I actually do love someone and they are in love with me but I'm scared to make the next step because of these things. Make me so nervous to think about..How is it possible to love someone when you dont even love yourself? Is it truly possible? I know what I feel is dumb and a waste of life. So why can't I change? I look forward to the day I feel confident enough to not be nervous when I go out in public🙏🏻 Please pray for me and anyone else who feels like this in whatever form you believe in.

Thank you for listening